i'm terrible at goodbyes and apologies

*I wrote this about a month ago but hadn't a chance to type it/edit for major grammatical errors until now. Thanks for reading, sweet friends. 

I'm terrible at goodbyes and apologies. I'm awkward and fumble with my words and I just, I hate goodbyes. I'm hate when you know it'll be a while before you see them. Like when I used to visit my friend Caitlin while she was living in DC, when it came time for me to go home, I just wanted to run off instead of maybe get teary and all goofy. I was even terrible at casual goodbyes, like on dates. Drew says I used to just say "BYE!" and sprint to my front door, where I thought I was lingering long enough for him to kiss me. This happened a number of times. 

I do not think I've ever had an anxiety attack before, by the grace of God. But a few days after having Thomas home from the hospital, I came close. I was low on sleep, struggling to feed him without formula, and just a bit of a mess. I was headed for a much-needed shower while either Drew or my mom held Thomas. 

Dad was on my mind, and I couldn't push it away. I wanted to keep his memory at bay for the moment, for entire days actually, to just not think of him at all, because I was too exhausted to process the feelings.  

The lump in my throat stuck, and it was hard to breathe for a few seconds. I couldn't swallow. I felt like I was swallowing my tongue. I put my hands on the tile walls of the shower to steady myself, and I tried to think of anything but Dad, anything else. I tried to push the thought away: "Why. Aren't. You. Here." I tried not to be angry with God because I know he is not punishing us with Dad's plane crash and absence from our lives. God is still here and God is still good and God is still love. But ... my dad is still gone. 

My heart breaks for our loss, for all of us: my brother, my mom, my husband, my sister in law, Dad's friends, and his grandchildren, who will know all about him, but they will not know him.  

I owe Dad an apology. He has seemed distant lately, and he usually feels so close, through God's grace and his friends and my mom and my brother, his memory keeps him right there, so close that he is almost still with us. But I think he's been distant since my sob-session in the shower that first week of Thomas' life. For over a month, I have tried not to think of Dad, for the first time since his death. 

I'm sorry for pushing your memory away. I'm sorry for being too scared to look at your picture for fear the tears will come. Usually, your smile in the frame brings a smile to my face. So what if it brings tears right now? Let em roll. Let me be brave enough to embrace  your memory, whatever emotions it may bring with it. 

Dad has seemed quite close since he physically left us through ways I cannot always explain, so it was hard to understand where this distant feeling was coming from - but I figured it out this week. It's coming from me. And for that, I am sorry. 

My dad's memory is worth sharing with my son. If it brings tears, let Thomas learn from the very beginning that life is beautiful and it is also filled with pain. Let him learn that the fear of losing people you love is no reason to love less. 

Let my dad teach Thomas (and Clare, and the others, Lord willing) that we should love with abandon, live life fully, get dirty, run around outside, make friends, be nice to people when it's awkward or hard, be generous, work hard. 

I need my Dad's memory in my life. I love hearing his voice through Gentry's voice. I love hearing his silly jokes through Jim & Bobby (and the inappropriate ones, too.) I love William telling me when I remind him of Tom, even if he is only saying it to be nice. 

Dad, I'm sorry for thinking maybe we should keep you at an arms distance because it is hard without you. We never said goodbye, and how appropriate that is, I think, because you're really not gone. 

Let us love with abandon, and may wild, fun-loving, God-fearing, do-it-yourself boys named Thomas continue to fill this Earth. 

Oh Lord, please let us love. 

thirty for thirty

Where I come from, people believe in being proud of their age. I'm not dreading turning thirty, and I'll never be one of those women who doesn't want you to know how old they are, or gets anxious about celebrating another birthday. 

Where I come from, people are given limited time on this planet, like 45 or 52 years. Jay and my dad have taught me to make the most of 'em, these days we are given. 

So let's do that: let's make average days count. Let's brag about our age. Let's race with gusto towards the next adventure (and certainly rest and enjoy occasional quiet, lazy days  of nothing, too.) 

I'm headed for thirty, baby, if anyone is asking! 

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Okay, yes, I've jumped on the band wagon of  "30 for 30" lists; I've been inspired by those a teensy bit older than me, one of my oldest friends Renza Sharpe, and one of her oldest friends, Taylor Jennings, who both made 30 for 30 lists of their own. 

Here are my rules: each item must be a "SMART" goal - meaning it's Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Results-Driven, and Time-Sensitive. (Thank you, Teach For America, for drilling into me how to set great goals.) There must be 30 different items, and they must be completed by the end of July 2016. So, for example, I don't just say "write more", I say "publish a minimum of two blog posts per month." 

I'm going public with my 30 for 30 list for several reasons: to hold myself accountable, possibly inspire others, and because, as I've shared before, writing is incredibly therapeutic for me regardless if anyone reads it. (And don't worry: I have at least one devoted reader. My grandmother reads each and every post, prints it, and keeps them in a giant 3-ring binder for when I'm a published author. Good ol' Honey!) 

in no particular order 

1) Go "off the grid" for a full weekend (no phone, no social media, etc.)

2) Have 15  minutes of quiet time outdoors each month 

3) Mentor a student for 1 year (minimum monthly contact) 

4) Research running for school board (we live in HISD district 6, and the seat is up for election in November 2017.) 

5) Read the New Testament in its entirety 

6) Take beach vacation!!! (Nothing personal but Galveston Island doesn't count)  

7) Camp outside for one night with Drew (Drew loves camping.) 

8) Hike a 14-er in Colorado 

9) Complete a 10k at a legit pace (definition of legit is TBD)

10) Complete half marathon (I haven't done much running since I tore my ACL beginning of 2013, so if I have to adjust this one, so be it. But for now, I'm coming for ya, 13.1) 

-No dessert for 30 days...Yea right! Life is too dad-gummed short. My dad's last meal was chocolate pie at the infamous BlueBonnet Cafe. Can I get an amen.

 

11) Eat "clean" at least 80% of the time for as long as possible - til Renzas wedding in October? Til the 30th bday? So far, 5 weeks in and going strong!

12) Get a library card, and use it at least 2 times. 

13) Read non-fiction more - suggestions welcome. So far I've got: Bonhoeffer, greatest generation, Ben carsons book

14) Budget and actually be aware of my spending for the year. (monthly spending review)

15) Still working on a specific "green" goal - recycling, less water/elec usuage, etc. 

16) Send more snail mail. 2 notes/week (or 10 notes per month, if weekly is too hard to do. Thank you notes do not count.) 

17) Train my heart to be more thankful. Keep a journal weekly of things I'm grateful for and ways the Lord has provided. 

18) Learn and confidently identify 10 constellations.

19) Bake an apple pie from scratch with my grandmother.

20) Visit a Bush Presidential Library - either 41 or 43. I'm so embarrassed that I live in Texas and haven't been to either of them! 

21) Get in 3 public fountains where it is not acceptable to get in said fountain. 

22) Publish two blog posts per month. 

23) Do something nice/generous for someone when I really do not want to. IE  I do not want to talk to someone for fear of being awkward (only example I can think of now is a homeless person, who is easier to avoid than speak with and show compassion.) 

23) Create a list/map of significant places in the Heights where my grandfather grew up (church, house, first job, etc) 

24) Finish real estate license. Honestly, dreading this one. I'm a great procrastinator. 

25) Girls weekend w/ my mom, sister in law, cousin/pretend sister, and grandmother. (One night stay at least)... and plan tentative girls weekends for the next 10 years. Seriously. Honey is 76 and all signs indicate that she may out last us all.

26) Learn to saddle a horse with no assistance. 

27) Do 30 real push ups consecutively on July 16, 2016 (if this sounds easy, please note I can currently do 6.) 

28) Reread 7 by Jen Hatmaker, and act on it. Such an honest, funny book with great perspective on how wasteful we are. 

29) TBD

30) TBD!

I'm two items short, but I wanted them each to be meaningful, not something I just hastily commit to because I need an even 30. 

Even just making this list has already been a blast! Thanks for following along. Hopefully I'll wind up at 30 a bit wiser, more thankful, and ready for more fun. After all, age is merely a number. 

Thanks for the flattering angle, Caitlin Hodges. You hid my double-chin so nicely.