holy spirit, you are welcome here.

*I wrote this last week and am sharing it in the hopes it will be comforting and uplifting to those who have struggled with anger and confusion in the midst of tragedy. 

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"Holy Spirit, You are welcome here. 

Come flood this place, and fill the atmosphere.

Your glory, Lord, is what our hearts long for. 

To be overcome by your presence, Lord." 

I have been shaking my fists at God. I have been deeply hurt that God did not answer our prayers. I KNOW you move miracles, God. I know you CAN save bodies that seem lifeless. Why didn't you? Why didn't you???

Why did Dad's plane crash? Why did Jay's cancer spread and spread while others' bodies respond to treatment? 

Why? Why, why, why WHY?? I look to the heavens and I cry furious, salty tears. 

Why now? Why this, to this family, to these sweet boys? Where are you, God? 

I am thankful that we serve a God who lets me come to Him with angry, questioning prayers. Run to me, He says. We are mad, and should not be ashamed to go to God with that. Where ARE you? I have sobbed. 

Recently I have been trying to make time to read more of my bible and a Charles Spurgeon devotional I have had for years, and just last week I underlined a section about suffering. 

"Mark this down, dear Christian, Jesus did not suffer to keep you from suffering. He bore His cross, not so you could escape it, but so you could endure it. Christ exempts you from sin - not sorrow - so remember that and expect to suffer." 

He bore His cross so that we could endure suffering and sorrow. How thankful I am for our faith, for the Lord's promises, for his mercy and grace. That we don't walk through devastation and tragedy alone. 

Revelation 21:4 "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

I do not understand your ways, Lord, but if anything will get us through this, it is You. 

When Dad died, the last thing I wanted to hear was "everything happens for a reason" or "God only gives us a load we can carry. You're so strong." What a load of crap. I feel like pulling a Will Ferrell in the movie Elf and screaming at them: YOU SIT ON A THRONE OF LIES! 

God works good through all things, scripture assures us in Romans 8. To me, that means He is glorified even through situations that completely suck and go beyond our understanding. (Point to me a bible verse that supports "everything happens for a reason.")

The Lord carries our burdens, he will bear our sorrow. Psalm 55 and 1 Peter 5:7 do not say that we need to be strong. It says, "Cast all your burdens on Him, and He will sustain you." The Lord is the one who will be strong, not us. Let us lean on him.  

The enemy wants me to dwell with my questions. To wander down a road of why and doubt. But the Lord wants me to run to im with my questions. He never teaches us not to ask questions, but he teaches us to seek His presence, His peace, His understanding. At the end of the book of John, the disciple named Thomas says he will not believe that Jesus is among them "unless I see the nail marks in His hands." So Jesus eventually showed him the nail marks and declared "Stop doubting and believe... Blessed are those who have not seen and yet believe." 

Our son Thomas' book of children's prayers contains a prayer I will continue to pray, when I cannot find the words to fathom their pain. 

"We pray for those for whom today was like the windswept mountain: give them comfort. 

We pray for those for whom today was like the stormy sea: give them calm. 

We pray for those for whom today was like the darkest night: give them hope." 

White House Easter Egg Roll - Flashback to 2008

It's funny that interning at the White House is why I started blogging. We had several ethics/legal training meetings and they kept emphasizing that if we had a blog we needed to shut it down for the semester. I kept wondering, am I the only one out there who doesn't have a blog? What's the big deal? And suddenly I had some great stories that I wanted to write down and document, so when the internship was finished, I made a page at blogspot called This District. I was able to preserve memories like this: 

kayaking the Potomac by myself on a Sunday afternoon. Something Katherine McClellan gave me the courage to do...

I was recently looking for Easter Egg Roll pics from when I was a WH intern, and I found them in an email I had sent to my mom. A short email that said so much. Maybe in this tech age we'll use emails to document old memories the way our grandparents saved letters. Anyways, the email was brief, but hit heavy topics. I sounded homesick, but also just fine. I was worried about my dad - my family had just left DC, they visited for Easter weekend, my mom, dad, Gentry, and my grandmother, and my dad seemed extra stressed. One of his very best friends was battling cancer back home in Houston and it sucked, just totally sucked. 

I mention in the email that I'll probably come home at the end of the internship and finish my last class of college or two. I couldn't imagine not going to Camp Longhorn to work for the summer - Camp has a pull over people, it gets in your blood and you just can't let it go. 

The email to my mom reminded me that God opens doors and does all kinds of things if you're receptive. I definitely believe that he also moves if you're NOT listening for the Holy Spirit, but I wonder what I've missed by being too busy to pray or read scripture. What a wake up call for my life today. Five minutes even makes an impact on my thoughts, my heart, my actions, my openness to see things from a different, more God-focused perspective. I've tried for the past two weeks to spend five minutes daily with my bible and a Charles Spurgeon devotional I've had for years. 

Anyways, I'm rambling...this email reminded me that I came very close to not staying in DC for the remainder of the Bush administration. And gosh, how much I learned by staying. Professionally to be certain, but I probably learned even more on a personal level. 

God had me in DC for so many reasons. Too many to list here. I got to know Katherine McClellan, who has been one of my wisest, most thought-provoking friends. She also led me on some incredible adventures. My faith was stretched in numerous ways, as we grieved the life of Jay Chenoweth that September. 

It's funny, I didn't think looking for a few silly pictures would send my mind down memory lane of the year in DC and all that I learned and the deep friendships I made. (Looking at you, Hodges.) 

I was reminded by the quick email to my mom that I need to pray more, make time to give things to God and not overthink them myself. To "get out of my own way." I think I was much better at doing that in 2008. 

What were you doing in 2008? When you think back to several years ago, did you think you'd end up here? What have you learned in the years in between? Sometimes memory lane and reflecting can be quite productive before charging forward again. 

Here's to memories, to George W., to democracy, to friendships, to old hymns set to new beats, to the Lincoln at sunset, and to the district of columbia.