happy birthday, gentry!

who gave the kid a whistle and a gun?

He’s a funny kid, my brother. I was two weeks shy of my first birthday when he entered the atmosphere, and our family has never been the same. I hope to plan my children’s’ births so close just because having a sibling that close in age has always been such fun.

When we were children, our parents encouraged us to read books, play imaginary games, and get dirty. I can remember hours on our backyard swing set, alternating between playing school and creating Davy Crockett reenactments. Young, blonde Gentry would be my faithful, studious student for a set amount of time, and then he’d grab his coonskin hat, pass me a pocket knife smaller than his giant one, and we’d set out to conquer Santa Anna and whoever else roamed the backyard. Of course, I always had to walk out of the woods first to look for Native Americans.
Our relationship is not perfect, and has had its fair share of growing pains. They say the ones you love most are able to hurt you the most, and that is true on both our parts. But this kid, who hovered at my 5’4”height for literally YEARS before leaping ahead and grazing the six foot mark, will always be my oldest friend.

Argumentative? Sure. But this kid is loyal like none other. I remember last summer when we were out with a handful of friends to hear some country tunes and two-step around the room. We were standing in a semi circle, the place crowded, when someone bumped into me from behind, pretty forcefully, and I feel forward a few steps. I assumed it was an accident, and my brother assumed it was threatening. He grabbed the cowboy, who hadn’t even noticed, by the back of the shirt collar and immediately I had to press my hand into my brother’s chest and push back with all my might. I stood on tiptoe, trying to look into his eye, and yelled “Gentch, it was an accident. Chill out!” It is clear when we are together that the only person giving me any crap will be him; he won’t allow it from anyone else.

I’m hard on him -as any older sister should be, right? - because I only want the best for Gentry. Over the years, he’s gone from sweet and precious, to charming and mischievous. Laughs are never hard to find in his company. He stands for things like justice, democracy, and the right to bear arms. (And we’re not talking Michelle Obama style.) He’s proud of this country and a throwback to the days of Wyatt Earp. (If Wyatt Earp wore vineyard vines paisley swim shorts and wakeboarded like a rockstar in the summers.)

I’ve seen him at Young Life, and his ability to relate to and love on high school kids is quite a gift. I’ve watched him – somewhat enviously- fall in love and learn how to show his affections. Someday he will make some young girl (or guy, no discrimination here) very, very happy.

I appreciate him more than I show, and I know that the next 365 days will be full of blessings, great memories, and growing up. And I’ll be glad in 16 days when I can again claim my title as the oldest Robinson child. But for now, here’s to being Irish twins. Wouldn’t trade you for the world, Midg. Happy 24th birthday!!

our great-grandfather, Popa.

waiting for our great grandparents at the airport. prior to 9/11 security...

you just want to pinch his cheeks!!

look closely. pretty sure little tex isn't wearing any pants...

Popa's famous chair in Dallas. My hair is...huge.

go on up to the mountain of mercy

at the top of our peak, day 4

glad they put up with my craziness. they had no other choice...

our most amazing, amazing, awesome, stupendous guides!!

after a shower. we smell nice.

they were one of the most amazing groups in the history of wilderness ranch!!

Amos 4:13
He who forms the mountains,

who creates the wind,

and who reveals his thoughts to mankind,

who turns dawn to darkness,

and treads on the heights of the earth—

the LORD God Almighty is his name.

The music of the wilderness was majestic, though I found myself returning to civilization realizing music is one of the things I missed most. Trees clapped their hands as we hiked past them, their leaves rustling in the breeze, crisply reminding us that there is more to life than facebook and nike shorts and AP classes. The rivers and the birds and the twinkling stars joined together to point us to the face of Christ. The removal of distractions allowed us to read scripture and love those around us with an abandon and commitment rarely available anywhere else on Earth.

We stunk to the high heavens. From Sunday afternoon to Friday afternoon we did not shower, we did not wash our faces or brush our teeth with running water, but made do with a small amount of toothpaste and antibacterial wipes. We were carrying all of our trash inside of our giant backpacks in an effort to “leave no trace.” We found the skull and backbones of a moose, we crossed stream after stream, we laughed and drew close in a way that I had not even fathomed.

I left the wilderness reminded of the beauty of humanity, of God’s capacity to show His love through others. Though I did not know any of these girls prior to our week together, I left glowing with pride as if I was their older sister or close friend. They hiked for nearly nine miles on our fifth day, after they had spent the night “solo” in the woods the night before. Our trip was not without trial, a wonderful example that God shows up in the good, the bad, and the ugly. We had forgotten one set of poles to build our flies with – giant tarps similar to a tent but more rustic – and the set of poles we did have was actually, gasp!, broken. So, we searched for four-foot long sticks at each of our campsites, wrapped them in bandanas so as not to rip the fabric, and went on with our nights. We shivered and chattered our teeth together as each night the temperature dropped below freezing, and we had only the clothes shoved in our pack to keep warm. We talked of families, boys, and teachers back home. We dreamt of college, and dates, and other glorious things.

Sweet, loyal, kind, caring, capable, optimistic, strong, devoted, genuine, hilarious, beautiful, supportive, serving, adventurous, loving, tender, patient, hopeful, good. I spent six days with a group of twelve amazing women, girls entering their senior year at the high school where I grew up, and I walked away from this week immensely blessed. I was reminded that it is not just my students, my Teach for America babies, that have rough lives. We all have baggage and we all have a mighty, just God who will see us through it all. Admittedly he feel s distant or absent at times, this week in the blue skies along the continental divide I was reminded of James 4:8 and the truth that if we draw near to God, he will draw near to us.

It began to snow on the first night, before we had finished getting ready to snuggle in our sleeping bags or cover our packs. As the “leader” for the week, I felt responsible to put on a good face for the girls. This is not the end of the world, our guides will take care of us, all will be well. But it would have been so easy to just wallow in my cold, complain that my fingers were too numb to remove my contacts, that my sleeping bag was soaked, and this “sucked.” But I could not. I had people counting on me, and my attitude affected their attitude. It turned out to be a week of sunshine, laughter, and joy, but that first night was dark and dreary. We had no weather forecast to promise the next day would be better. But we could trust, and we could hope, and we could gather together. Turns out, the week in the mountains turned out to be a powerful reminder of how we should live our life in the valley.

Ezekial 34:25

into the wild!

I can't believe schedules and life have worked out in a way that I am going on an all-expenses paid hiking trip for a week with high school girls! What a blessing!

That's right, the 18 hour bus ride with sixteen year olds=free. Sleeping bags, food, hiking trails=provided free of charge. I borrowed a few things: socks from my dad (he has little hobbit feet), sleeping bag from my bro, and, best of all, hiking boots from a wonderful woman. Some might call her wonder woman!

I don't have the time to go into detail, but she is a minister, someone devoted to the lord in a way I don't even fathom sometimes, and someone who focuses most of her time and energy on something simple but so complex: loving people.

I can't wait to take part of her - her shoes!-with me for a week as I hope to love on some girls in the wild.

This is the verse she gave me, wrote out in her really cool handwriting, and that I hope to live it out and be filled with god's grace!

Hooray for hiking! Have a marvelous week, at your cubicle, with your kids, whoever and wherever you are. Sending blessings and fresh mountain air to you, via cyberspace.

Isaiah 52:7

"How beautiful on the mountains,

are the feet of those who bring good news,

who proclaim peace,

who bring good tidings,

who proclaim salvation,

who say to Mt. Zion,

“Your God reigns!”

no sudden movements

"Summer afternoon - summer afternoon; to me those have always been the two most beautiful words in the English language."

~Henry James

Today marks my second full week of life outside the classroom, and it has flown by. I returned from my hill country hiatus around midnight Monday, and spent Tuesday with 6 girls from school, Wednesday at doctor appointments and art lessons with Eugenia, and Thursday visiting teachers at school and hanging out with four other students from my third grade class.

While at the lake last week, I made a life-altering decision: I will make no big decisions until after Labor Day weekend. September is sure to be a big month!
Here’s the low-down, I’ll give it to you quick:

I leave for Wilderness Ranch tomorrow, going as a Memorial high school (my alma mater) young life leader. A week hiking, no showers or cell phones, just twinkling stars, stinky feet, and 360 degree views of proof there is a God. I cannot wait!

I’ll return June 25, my great-grandmother’s 95th birthday. Yep, she’s going to be 95!! We’re so blessed to have four generations on this earth. More on that later. I’ll be in Dallas til June 29ish, then off to the Lake for the 4th of July. I’ll float between the 713 and the hill country until July 21, when I’ll hightail it to Salt Lake City to see the doctor with crazy Lauren Simpson and Genie Thompson. I just really hope someone doesn’t get arrested, and that I don’t die from giggling too much. Seriously, sometimes there’s not enough oxygen through all the laughter when I’m around them and my life flashes before my eyes…

July 31 I’ll pack it off to Camp Longhorn for a glorious two weeks as a counselor. Last time I worked there was three summers ago, and though I know it won’t compare to camp days with Renza & crew, it’s still the greatest place on Earth. After Alumni Camp with all the old friends, I’ll head to Houston for some laundry, then off on a roadtrip to visit my great-grandparents for a night or two, then Santa Fe and Taos. Last summer, when I drove through Santa Fe, my mom insisted I would love the town and we planned an extra day to stay. It might have been my low expectations, but Santa Fe became my new favorite place and I could have spent the rest of my trip there. So, this summer, I’ll be back to wander the square and hit up all the things I missed on our drive through last summer.

It feels great to have this calendar of kickin’ back, and for a few days I was too guilty to even think about this much of a self-indulging event line up. But, I’m okay with it now. I don’t want to jump into the next job/career, there’s nothing out there right now that I’m dying to apply for, and I’m ready to just…be. To figure out what’s next. Everything thus far has been as clear as a freshly-windexed window, and I’ve learned to listen with my instincts pretty well. Not making any big decisions feels right. I’m excited to see what God will do for this next week in Colorado, and I feel immensely blessed to have the time off to be in Dallas with ones I love most for a few days, and then the lake, and then back to Camp Longhorn.

I’m not sure why I’m still rambling, because I should expect no one to really read about my summer schedule. But, if you’ve made it this far, dear reader, I’ll challenge you two things for your summer: 1) Wear sunscreen. Reapply often. 2) Take time to enjoy this life and not rush through it. Though most people financially are never able to take a few months off the way I am, we can still use time strategically to be with those we love, to give back, to look at the stars and say thank you, however you do it… take time to appreciate your walk on this earth. We all know it won’t last forever, and challenging as it may seem sometimes, it could always be worse. Life, the ability to breathe in and out, is a gift. Unwrap it.

Hit me up if you want to be friends in July. I’m clearly available. Love to all, even those strangers in Norway who read this…

whatchareadin

I've been at the lake for a whole week with my mom and the dogs, and crazy my father arrived on friday. i've seen a few friends, caught up with some others via the phone, but mostly, it's been me and the sunshine and a lot of reading. Which brings me to a few things I'd like to share.

And before we continue, I'd like to offer a huge cheer of gratitude to my father for providing wireless internet at the lake house.

Okay, so if you want to go hiking in the nude, check out germany. and the swiss are thinking it over.

http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,2076783,00.html

I love politico. Love love. The Weiner thing fascinates and saddens me and I'm tired of reading about it. Somebody get John Boehner a tissue.

http://www.politico.com/blogs/click/0611/Boehner_tears_up_during_OSU_commencement_speech.html

Casey Anthony trial is ongoing. I had completely missed this news while trying to survive third graders each day, but, I'm all caught up. And it's so disgusting I think I'm done reading until they announce the verdict.

http://healthland.time.com/2011/06/09/why-are-americans-obsessed-with-the-casey-anthony-trial/

Speaking of verdict, I'm reading Jodi Picoult's Mercy right now, instead of a dozen or so other books I've been waiting to devour. It's very intriguing and unusual. And I'm not sure how it's going to end...

So, if you have a book recommendation, post a comment. Happy summer, happy reading!

flying solo

I think you're changing the rules of the game, good sir. Are we playing hide & seek? I'm not really doing either of those - I cannot fathom how one "seeks" relationships or dates when you spend nearly 11 hours each day at a elementary school.

However, I'm by no means hiding. I've been trying to get out there, "play the game" if you will, and yet... dead ends.

I was obsessed with Matt Wertz's song "Counting to 100" for a few months, somewhere around sophomore year of college, and it was most played on my ipod for a short time. I remember playing it as Ifell asleep in an open air cabin at Camp Longhorn. Oh, now there's something I didn't appreciate nearly enough while I had it. CLH!

I know this time of singleness, of playing the field, or at times just keeping the bench warm, serves a purpose. I trust that there's a reason for it. And I try to be grateful, I recognize that if I was married at this point, Saturday night bike rides with Stephanie is not what my weekend evenings would look like. Every holiday with my family, no questions asked. Lights turn off when I am done reading, and they come on when I finally wake up, and not a second before. These seem superficial, but I know there are numerous blessings in this time period that I never expected, and I know I'm supposed to appreciate it. And I do! I have so many rich friendships because I find myself in a similiar "season of life" with wonderful, fun, adventurous people.

But I can't help and long for something else...not something more, that would imply single people are not 100%, and scripture tells us we have all we need, so...not something more, just something else.

There are days I think the hide & seek may never end, that I'll blow out thirty candles on a cake I make myself. There are days I think I've been flying solo so long I may forget how to share things, or to explain the weirdness of my family members, or even worse - that I may become one of those bitter people who stands around at weddings thinking, "when is my day coming? i hate her dress" when they should be thinking "aren't they young and in love and beautiful."

All of this to say, I admire Matt Wertz for blasting his thoughts about lonliness and soltitude in a song, and acknowledging that somedays it's very, very hard to fly solo.

I thought about not posting this, hesistant to share with the blogging community I'm single - hello, obvious!- but I have dozens and dozens of friends treading through the same joys and burdens of flying solo in theirtwenties...or thirties...or forties... does anyone know the number for the convent where Whoopi Goldberg is? I think Sister Mary Clarence and I could be great friends.

As always, thanks for reading. listen to the song here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zXS78esmIU&feature=related

Matt Wertz's Counting to 100
Never been much good on my own
So I'm tryin' to find somebody else
Never been good at findin' much except this
Loneliness all by myself
Spottin' you ain't been easy
I could use one hand, maybe two
Cause I got this spot right beside me baby
Waiting here just for you
So you go hide And I'll come seek
Maybe someday in the middle
We just might meetbecause
I'm counting to a hundred
And I promise I won't peek
As you go hide
And I come seek
How much longer will this game go on
I guess summer time will tell
Cause I hate to hear that you're all alone
Overlooked in search of someone else
So you go hideAnd I'll come seek
Maybe someday in the middle
We just might meet
Cause I'm counting to a hundred
And I promise I won't peek
As you go Please show your face
Because I want you to be it...yeahI want you to be it

beginning to process its the end

It is Wednesday. I finished teaching on Friday at 3:45 p.m. (It still does not feel over, even typing that.) I packed my classroom and said goodbyes until around 6 pm, then feeling like a sweaty, spent mess, continued to let the tears fall, took a deep breath, and turned my old Volvo out of the school parking lot. I realized that any time I return over the next year will be as a “mentor”, or “volunteer”, not a teacher. Strange. Sad. Exhilarating.

Alas, here I am, Wednesday, and it feels like I’m coming up for air. It has begun to sink in that I have no obligations. No lease, though I really really wished for that house with the black and white tile and the amazing back deck with Stephie. No job, though I applied and interviewed for two. No plans, other than a week backpacking with YoungLife girls, a trip to Utah to see Dr. Katherine, and a visitor from Oklahoma for my birthday. I’m revisiting the idea of going to Santa Fe or Denver for a few weeks in August. The freedom of moving home has opened a lot of windows, even if it felt like being kicked in the shins as our lease applications fell through on two awesome houses.

Alas, here I am, Wednesday, and after several powernaps, an hour or two of yoga, my toes in the lake, and breathing deep, I think I can let it sink in. I am finished with Teach for America.

*from previous writings in late april
It is difficult for me to explain why I’m leaving the classroom. Primarily, I am permanently exhausted. I have a never finished to-do list, both professionally and personally. I raise my voice daily because classroom management continues to be a struggle for me, and I am not an excellent teacher. Though my TAKS scores were surprisingly awesome to me, the original KIPP elementary school, a model for all others, does not deserve mediocre teachers. I selfishly feel that I am 25 and single for a reason, and I desire more freedom than what I can fit between the hours of 6 and 10 pm. I want a job that is rewarding, and brings me joy. This has sure fit the bill in the rewarding department, but many days, I am spend time digging around for joy, and I think the bulk of my issues would be solved if it were not for the extended school day. I have a deep, heartfelt admiration for those who have come before me and those who are staying longer at KIPP.

I agree with the critics of TFA, that it can be a two years “in and out” – but I also know that most of those critics have never taught for 10 hours each day, with a whatever it takes attitude that is necessary to survive at KIPP. I am doubtful that the critics of TFA have ever poured all of their blood, sweat, and tears into children and their communities for two years, sacrificing sleep and a social life and time to work out and other freedoms that were eaten in the commitment to our schools. I greatly admire anyone, TFA or not, who continues to maintain the hours necessary to be successful at a KIPP school. Hats off to you, Jenkins & Rheem & Marnita & a whole bunch of others.

There is a lot I have loved about Teach for America, and numerous things for which I’ll be eternally grateful. At Institute – TFA boot camp – the organizers have you write on one word that brought you here. And then you flip it over and write one word that you think will get you through the really, impossibly hard moments. There’s a lot of words people choose. Determination, equality, justice. Both of my words? Love. It is love that brought me here and love that will get me through. I wrote this down and it has been my mantra the past two years. Love has brought me here and love will get me through.
I love my children, each and every one. I love the families I’ve grown close to, I appreciate the parents who have challenged me immensely, and even the two or three I’d really like to shake by the shoulders, look into their eyes and say “Get. It. Together!!”

I think it takes a strong, stable person to decide they would be grumpy or burnt out in the classroom for another year, to make the decision to step back. I tried it with everything I’ve got, and I need a time to breathe fresh air, time to figure out if I belong in the classroom.
Wendy Kopp had a vision that a handful of young Ivy graduates should help the education crisis instead of running off to Wall Street firms after graduation. And now, her organization has 40,000+ applicants each year and has created quite possibly the most “prestigious” thing I’ll ever do.

We’ve made a lap around the sun twice since I began this endeavor, and though I don’t want to sound dramatic, my life is drastically different. It’s finished, I can hardly believe it. I can hardly believe I’m in one piece. They say you’ll never be the same after something like this, and I’m just beginning to process that. I think about things differently, hear headlines on the news differently, and overall am just taking a lot of deep breaths over here. It’s been seven days since I finished Teach for America, and it has just begun to sink in.

Thanks a million for supporting me! Tune in later for funny stories and additional reflections, if you dare.