Grief at Christmas: Is It Okay to Be Sad?

Dad. You're on my mind so much. My heart has been heavy, missing you. I do not miss you any less than I did four years ago... I guess Christmas is always going to be hard. I'm not sure why I'm surprised when I suddenly cannot stop the tears. It's not as though missing you ever goes away. It's just ... less raw. 

I wish you were here more than I could ever express. And it's very hard, being thirty years old, with children of my own... part of me feels silly for feeling this way. Like I shouldn't really "need" you anymore. Certainly others get along just fine without their parents. My husband, for one- he is mature and an excellent father without "needing" his dad. And I think of the Smith's often, how much more painful it must be to lose a child then a parent, how unnatural, how out of order. I shouldn't complain... but there's a difference between complaining and grieving, I think. Just because Drew gets along just fine without his dad does not mean I should feel silly for crying and missing my dad. Just because others know tragic loss that is inexplicable doesn't mean I shouldn't miss you. 

And I do, I find myself "needing" my dad. I sure wish you were here, to brighten the room, to make us laugh, to hold us together, to carry my skis, to meet us for a bike ride, to give us advice, to play with Thomas and Clare. 

I'm thankful for an advent devotional I found online this year. The author works for Upper Room ministries, the devotional that's always at the front at Chapelwood and other Methodist churches. She talks of hope and peace that comes from Christ - reassuring me that my hope does not come from anything earthly. Reassuring me that we're going to be just fine, because our hope is not in you - you sure made our lives wonderful, but you were not life. 

I've learned, through words of you friends like Luke Allen and Nancy Simpson and Richard and Josef, that I have to just accept what I'm feeling and deal with it best I can. I'll always remember Luke telling me he thought I was in shock and that it was okay to get upset. It was the night of your accident, and he had concern in his eyes that I didn't really understand at the time. And now I do: if I am really missing you at Christmas time, that's okay. That's part of grief. That doesn't mean I get to snap at Drew or stay in my jammies all day, but it does mean I can cry a few tears, I can look at old pictures, I can imagine what energetic crazy thing you'd be doing today, and I can miss my most amazing Dad. I can also stop to be thankful for you- what grace abounds in my life, evident through you and mom! I've met many people and taught a number of students who didn't have the parents I did - and I did zilch to deserve you. Grace. 

So as my tears point me to gratitude, I know it's okay to miss you, during Advent or any other time of year. And I hope others who are hurting know the same. 

Missing you always, and also making sure to live life abundantly, just as you'd want for us.  

Love, Lolly

happy 2nd birthday, catherine clare! {12.5.16}

Dear Clare, 

Happy 2nd birthday, sweet girl! Gosh, do I feel like a little old lady saying "time has flown by!" I remember the day you came home from the hospital as if it was just last week... and now you're walking, talking 2 years old! Wowza!

At just two, you have such a clear personality. You are so sweet, and you are very patient and gentle with others. Thomas likes to rip bows out of your hair and you rarely even blink when he does; you patiently wait for someone to put it back for you. You know everyone's names and make them feel so special - all your aunts and uncles and cousins and friends! 

I see much of your mommy's sweet disposition and grace in you, Clare, and I pray that continues to grow. She is the sweetest mommy! I also see your daddy's determination and his love to laugh in you. You can be so silly! Your giggle is contagious! 

I sure wish your Pops were here to teach you things, to spoil you, to love on you. But you have the biggest fan club and there is so much of Pops all around - in your daddy, in Lovie and Pops friends, and in you, too! You LOVE to dance slightly off beat to "Brick House" on repeat. If that's not evidence enough that Pops lives in you, I don't know what is! 

It's been another year of joys and sorrows, my love bug. One of your daddy's best friends from college died in an accident this year. We have been reminded that life is fragile. Hunter was almost 30 years old and so full of life - and then, in a blink, gone. But the Lord is always good, sweet girl. God is not death - He is love and grace and peace. Hunter's family shared stories of how he loved people so well, and his favorite verse was one you should memorize too - Micah 6:8: "He has shown you, oh man, what is good - to act justly and love mercy and walk humbly with your God." 

Your dad has Hunter stories that are so funny I've shot water through my nose listening to them. I watched your grandfather's memorial service video recently, and I noticed Hunter in the front row - what a great friend he was to so many people, including your dad and our family.  And now we've been to his memorial service. Our lives are intertwined with big love and excruciating  loss. Be brace and courageous, Clare bear! We cannot let fear of losing wonderful people paralyze us - always keep living. I pray you always live boldly and do big things and love people like crazy. 

This year, though you were just two years old, our family has been reminded that even if you've known great pain, life still brings new hurts. We are never exempt from it. I love this quote: 

"Love and hate are beasts, and the one you feed is the one that grows." 

Choose hope, sweet girl, as your Honey and Lovie and Mary and so many people around you who have known great loss have chosen. Choose love. Life is not always fair or even understandable, but the Lord promises us a peace that goes beyond understanding if we run to him. Take him your hurts, sweet girl.  

On a much lighter note, I will always remember our trip to Florida this year - if for no other reason than you threw up on me and Thomas twice. We had a terrible awful stomach bug! But we survived. And we'll laugh about it someday... you and me and Thomas out for a long walk ,and me trying to run while pregnant and pull y'alls wagon back to the house as fast as I could before you threw up again. We are bonded forever, my love!

Wow, what a year it has been, Clare! You are growing so much and you are smart as a whip! I cannot get over how many words and phrases you know. I love hearing you say "no sir, Tossy" (you call Thomas "Tossy"). This will be your last birthday as an "only child" - this time next year, baby brother will be here! You are going to be a fantastic big sister! From one bossy (aka wise) big sister to another, you've got what it takes to be a great big sis! And if you find yourself needing any pointers, you know where to find me, love bug! 

I am so honored and proud to be your aunt. You are going places, sweet pea! 

Eskimo Kisses, 

Lolly 

Ps I love how you adore Uncle Drew. Me too! If we never have a daughter,  I am counting on you to teach him some things, like the difference between a dress and a skirt. I've tried, but he still doesn't know. We love you bunches!