well, this one's awkward.

I have never posted about weight or body image on social media. And then I had children. And I have a body that seems unfamiliar in the mirror - even for me, a girl who has felt chubby almost her entire life. 

When I write and share it publicly, it’s usually because the topic is burning on my heart, and until I get my thoughts on paper, I can’t shake it. About a week ago, I went wake surfing on our friend Mary's boat, and I cannot get over how much it made an impact on Thomas. He keeps talking about it out of the blue! 

Thomas was in the bathtub yesterday and we were talking about all kinds of random things. One minute he’s talking about firehoses and the next he looks straight at me and says, "Mommy, remember when you got behind Mary’s boat and you went swimming? And then you came back to me?" He was anxious for me to get back in the boat to sit next to him, but he was also impressed with my surfing. It was a beautiful day, and it was hot, so getting in the water sounded fun. That's all there was to it. I remember saying, "shoot, I should have worn my skirted swimsuit!" right before I jumped in. But I took off my cover up anyways, and I did the damn thing. 

I don’t write about my struggles with being overweight much because I don’t really want to draw attention to it. I definitely don't want to be pitied. I don’t want Drew - or Drew’s friends, or anyone for that matter- to notice I need to drop some pounds. But hello. They have eyes. They don’t need me writing about it to notice. 

Sometimes I want to wear a sticker on my shirt that says “Ive done five half marathons.” Sometimes I am tempted to “brag” to people how much I currently work out. I do cardio, I walk miles with that giant double stroller - like 24+ miles a week. I do weights. I’ve been to 12 spin classes in the last month. 

I don’t think people really care - about any of it. And that’s great. It’s me that cares BY FAR the most. Yes, I want to be healthy, and I want to be active for my boys, but I don’t need to be a certain dress size for anyone in my life that matters. 

Thomas loving me and thinking I’m fun regardless of the tag on my swimsuit has been HUGE for me. Huge... ha. Ironic because that’s exactly how I feel, everyday. My weight loss journey post-Harris is a slow one. Like a sloth. We're still figuring out my thyroid meds post-partum, I'm doing bloodwork every 12 weeks, and it doesn’t mean that I’ll be at this point forever or look like this next summer. 

While we need to be healthy for our children, we need to be far less insecure. We need to model confidence. We need to model grace. We need to model knock-your-socks-off fun. A woman recently shopping at our studio (renovate) was complaining  about her arms. Her arms looked killer to me! Flawless. But not according to her. We all want to change physical things about ourselves. And we pass our insecurities on to our children- and our friends. When we tear ourselves down, we take others with us. They start thinking they should worry about their appearances too. The comparison and self-loathing games aren't good for any of us.

I often feel like I don’t know ANYONE who is overweight. But if anyone ashamed of their weight is out there reading this, take courage. Courage, dear heart. (CS Lewis) Life is far bigger than if you have a double chin in photos and if your shorts’ tag has a bigger size number than you ever thought you’d see. Life is so much more than the outward. 

I’ve realized this week that I dwell on the outward too much. I don’t know that my inward is very pretty, either. I have many areas in which I need to grow. I’m not very nice to Drew or my mom sometimes. I’m impatient with my children, when they’re just being children. I scroll on my phone when I should be reading something meaningful or writing in the “write the word” journal I got so long ago. 

Life is so much bigger than our insecurities. God is so much bigger than our insecurities!!! This was such a great reminder that I have to let God in more - he tells us that beauty is fleeting, and I quickly forget that. I don't spend time reading the word NEAR enough. I want my boys to be brave, and fun, and faithful, and kind. And do we not we teach children by showing them, instead of just telling them?? 

I realized another thing after Thomas was so impressed with my 3 minutes of wake surfing. When I think about, or pray about, what I want our boys to be, let me tell you what did not make the list: handsome. put together. physically attractive. Certainly active and in awe of nature are on the list. But gosh, I need to focus less on my own self being "put together" or outwardly pretty and more on being adventurous, and loving, and compassionate. 

From day one, I have wanted to be fun for my children. I've had an excellent role model: my mom never let her dress size get in the way of how fun she was with us. She was always active, always in a swimsuit with us at the pool. I wasn't raised with a sit-on-the-sidelines, don't-mess-up-my-hair kind of mom. (Now if you mess up her decorative pillows, that's a different story.) 

My dad NOT being here actually makes me more of a "fun mom." I already think - no, I know - that life is much too short. We do not know how long we'll be here with our children. So we better make the days count. I never knew anyone in real life who was more fun than my dad. So in his absence, he pushes me to be more like him. 

This post doesn’t mean that when I'm at the neighborhood pool with my boys, I'm not thinking for EVERY SECOND to suck in as hard as I can. It doesn’t mean I don’t wonder if everyone is looking at my white thighs that are larger than I ever ever thought they would be. But my boys don't know that, and they don't need to - what they need to know is that mommy is at the pool with them. She's not worried about keeping her hair dry, she's just there to have fun.

Thomas being in awe of me wake surfing really impacted me. It’s funny how  I roll my eyes when people say that their kids teach them things. But guess what! My children are teaching me things! 

Thanks for reading if you’re still here! Happy wake surfing to you and yours!