Dealing with Difficult People: Part Two

Hello, sweet readers! 

In the last post, I shared notes from a bible study I attended led by Pam Thompson - dealing with difficult people. I shared her notes on identifying "very tricky people" in our own lives and also some examples from the scriptures. Today, Pam answers the question "What in the WORLD do I do about this person in my life, this person that is so difficult and exhausting and often impossible to deal with!?" 

Responses to Very Tricky People: 

A) Admit it. Acknowledge who are your tricky people. (We usually have 1-4. If you can list 12, or 18, you might want to think about yourself as the tricky person. :) )

B) Distance yourself. Especially if it is not a relative who you need to see on a regular basis. If you have truly tried with this person to work things out, and they're "stealing your joy" it may be time to breakaway. In Genesis 13, God gives us a biblical example - Abram and Lot split up. They part ways because of bickering between their people. Life is too short - sometimes, Pam says, distance is a good thing. 

C) People Related to You Who Are Tricky

If your tricky person is related to you - your mother, your sister, your father-in-law, etc - you cannot quite apply the same tactics as if they're not a relative. You're going to see this person at Thanksgiving, birthdays, etc. So there are some different ways to approach the relationship with that person when you cannot just put distance. 

1) Do not place your hope in thinking they will miraculously change. The enemy has a pattern to rob you of your joy. When that difficult person does the same thing they always do, and you spend time being shocked or surprised by it - that is on you. 

2) Realize your person has encountered much pain and perceive them as handicapped. (IE, cannot have the same expectations of them as you of others.) 

3) Acceptance vs Resignation. Step back so the Lord can work. (IE the prodigal son, the father had to let go for awhile before things were resolved.) 

4) Speak the truth in love. (Resist anger, bitterness, etc.) 

5) Maintain boundaries. Only let the Lord have your heart. 

6) Pray. Pray for that person, for the relationship, etc. 

Psalm 86:11 "Give me an undivided heart, Lord." 

Releasing Intense Emotions

Dealing with people who are truly difficult (selfish, manipulative, immature, characteristics previously discussed) can be emotionally draining. Here's how to prevent that...

A) Dump it on the Lord. He is bigger than this situation, he can carry your burden, he's got this. 

B) Go read the Psalms. This will soften your heart. Psalm 55:17, Psalm 55:22-23, Psalm 55:1-3 - Say, Lord, I do not want this to be my story. I want to get past it. 

C) If this continues, talk to a third person about negative emotions, seek wise counsel. 

D) God uses frustrating people and events in our lives to help us grow. 

E) No offense by another person can equal our guilt before the Lord. Because of his bloodshed, we are forgiven for being very tricky people ourselves. 

2 Tim 4:14 - "I am going to let the Lord deal with that! Be on guard. I'm forgiving him/her, but I'm going to keep boundaries."

Hopefully this has helped you as it's helped me! Thank you, Pam, for your teaching!

Dealing with Difficult People: Part One

Last spring, I attended Pam Thompson's bible study for women at Second Baptist, and have been planning to type up my notes because it is just SUCH good stuff that I need to remember and reread. So I'm sharing it with you, too. (Learn more about Pam's study and get the link to sign up for Tuesdays this fall at 10 am at this post. You don't have to go to Second Baptist to attend - for example, Drew and I go to Grace Bible Church in the Heights.) 

Pam's semester was focused on being a "Godly woman," something that may sound generic or a bit "pie in the sky", but she got down to specifics quickly. The sessions I attended were about dealing with difficult people. We all deal with frustrating people from time to time, right? People who seem to be very self-focused, or manipulative, or just constantly immature. Can you think of a person who is consistently hard to deal with in your life? Okay, then you'll get something out of Pam's study. 

She starts out by reminding us that the bible teaches us this: Count it pure joy when you face trails, because it makes you a stronger person. (Paraphrased, James 1:2-4.) 

But sometimes when I'm dealing with a person who is SO DIFFICULT AND EXHAUSTING, it's really not that helpful to remind myself to be joyful because God is making me a stronger person. Amiright?! So Pam goes on to give us lots of practical ways to suck it up and deal, and to make it easier to deal with this person, too. 

Pam asked us: Who has the enemy used in your life to rob you of your joy? Typically there are 1-4 people in your life that fit this criteria. (What a great way to ask that question - immediately I'm convicted that I let this person/people get to me, impact my joyful attitude, ruin my day, etc. But I'm in charge of myself. They should not run the show. It's my fault if I let them...) 

Characteristics of "Very Tricky People":

A) Emotionally Blind - They do not "see" you or your side. 
B) Emotionally Deaf - They do not hear your heart, or when you try to explain things. 
C) Verbal Immaturity - They often say the wrong thing, they cannot apologize, they are very easily offended, they are complainers. 
D) High Level of Control - Their opinion matters. Their way or the highway - it is all about them. 
E) Not Walking in the Truth - Their lies are their reality. They believe their own reality. The enemy wants us to be bitter towards that person, but then they become our "story." 

Biblical Examples of "Very Tricky People":

(Sidenote from me - I had not even realized that the Bible contains pain-in-the-toosh people. Of course it does!) 

Pam talked about how these people are redeemed, but they are "so messed up." Jesus had tricky people all around him - Judas! Even one of his twelve closest people was difficult to put up with. 

A) Adam - selfish
B) Cain - murdered his brother
C) Abraham - great man, but tricky, asked his wife to lie for him, etc. 
D) Sarah - despised Hagar
E) Jacob
F) Joseph's brothers - envious, controlling, threw Joseph in a pit to die
G) Judas
H) Peter - great guy, but denies Jesus repeatedly 
I) Alexander the Coppersmith (2 Tim)
J) Nabel - 1 Samuel 25

"We can become like our "tricky person" if we are not careful. We will match anger with anger, bitterness, etc. 
We must remind ourselves that the Lord is my banner, and His banner over me is love!" -Pam

Pam spent a lot of time with the example of Nabel and his wife Abigail - I was unfamiliar with this story in 1 Samuel. Go read 1 Samuel 25 - here's a link to the online passage. 

So Nabel, Abigail's husband, was a very tricky man. The bible says right there - he was mean. But Pam discussed how Nabel is NOT Abigail's story. She was bigger than him. 

Abigail speaks life, and changes the atmosphere. She knows who she is in Christ - her identity is not her husband. She compensated for her husband's weaknesses - but she did NOT enable them. She doesn't cover them up and say "Oh that's not what he meant." She walked in the truth. And yes, it turns out, Abigail married a fool, but she maintained respect because she had unconditional love, through the Lord. 

So to me, Abigail's story was eye-opening, but at the same time, hard to break down the steps for today's world. For starters, we don't ride donkeys or sheer sheep - not in my part of Houston, at least. So Pam gives us practical responses to those people in our lives who are total pain-in-the-tooshes. But I'm going to save those notes for the next post! 
(click here for part two)

to sign up for pam's fall study on tuesdays at 10 am, click here. childcare provided!

Pam Thompson's Bible Study

Last spring, I did something that was awesome, but felt so very weird every time I did.

I joined a Tuesday morning women's bible study. At 10 am.

"I should be at work!!!!" my mind screamed. For eight years since college, I have not been "free" at 10 am on a Tuesday morning. It felt sort of absurd. But my life changed so fast when Thomas was born in June 2015 - and I've slowly, over the course of a year, adjusted to the fact that I am a part-time SAHM. (Stay at home mom. Apparently there is an abbreviation for everything.) Sidenote, I am constantly reminded, mostly through conversations with others, that I am incredibly lucky to get to work three days a week and be with Thomas for the other two. I feel so grateful for that and promise myself to never grumble or take it for granted.

Anyways, so on a Tuesday in January, my sister in law Amy and I planned to meet at Pam's bible study. I dropped six month old Thomas off in the childcare building, where he was the only one in the class for that week, and a sweet lady promised to take excellent care of him for the next 50 minutes.

Before I tell you more, I will tell you this: I cannot wait for Pam's fall bible study to start. This was the BEST use of my Tuesday morning - and somedays it felt like quite the feat to get Thomas dressed and me presentable and his bag packed and out the door to be at Second Baptist by 10 am. But I learned so much, felt recharged from Pam's teachings for the week, and we usually got to play with Clare and Amy after the study. A win for all!

Do you know Pam Thompson? She is amazing. I got to know her when she was a Renovate client (my mom is an interior designer and her firm/storefront is called Renovate, and I work for her. Or she works for me...depends who you ask.) Anyways, it was a neat perspective to meet Pam outside of her study - to see how genuine she is, and to see how she really shares herself and her life when she is leading. I felt the same sitting in her living room with just my mom, Pam, and myself, as I did sitting in a pew with over one hundred women listening to her share wisdom from the Bible.

Also, we should note that Pam is a bubbly, energetic, beautiful blonde, long and lean, but somehow pulls off her beauty without being intimidating. I show up for her class in workout clothes, simply thankful my teeth have been brushed and Thomas is wearing pants. Yet I feel welcomed and not out of place. Pam is, as they say, the real deal.

Okay, so after all this, here is my pitch for you women to join Pam's study on Tuesday's at 10. Whether you're a young mom or not as young mom, or if you're not a mom but your schedule allows it, I highly recommend signing up for Pam's study that meets in the Second Baptist chapel once a week. Here is the link. Pam also teaches on Wednesdays at the West/Katy location for you west-siders.

Because this post is long enough already, I'm going to divide up the teaching from last spring into another post - or maybe two. She taught about "difficult" people and how to deal with them - how there are actually "difficult" people in scripture. I was pretty blown away by the examples she gave and the tactics she shared for dealing with difficult people. It was a good reminder that universally, we all deal with some pretty tricky people in our lives - people who are manipulative, hurtful, selfish, etc. But it's been hard for me to know what to do with them. Love your enemy and all that sure, but Pam has practical, real ways to move forward with your life and not let that difficult pain-in-the-toosh person be your "story."

So check back for my summary of Pam's teaching.

love your people well {the power of our words}

My brother has come a long way from our childhood, people. A long way. 

I mean, sure, haven't we all, you say, but this kid...Let me paint a picture for you. 

sweet glasses, bra. 

I remember him as a 6th grader, practicing the French horn in our game room, with his round cheeks and stubby legs. He pretty much hated anything after school that didn't involve TV, video games, and shooting squirrels in the backyard with his friend Ryan. (After a neighbor got mad when she saw them take out a squirrel in the front yard, my mom limited squirrel murdering to the privacy of our backyard.) 

Eventually he grew tall, past me, past dad, and now stands at 6 feet and has done two half-ironman triathlons and run a full marathon. I mean...what?! Homeboy used to grumble all the time about family exercise as middle schooler. How did we get here?!

I mention Bob Goff a lot - he is so inspiring, so genuine, so contagious. (Sidenote: I recommend his instagram account for insightful quotes, his book Love Does is a must read, and I like to listen to his podcast speeches.) 

Bob is all about loving the people around you well. He says in his book, Tell people who they are becoming, not who they were. Don't blow smoke, but tell people who you see God leading them to be. 

I am blown away by my brother. Partially because I am his loudest critic, but Gentry as an adult is pretty mind-blowing. As a husband, a dad, a businessman, a friend, a bible-study goer, certified crossfit instructor... And it's even more mind-blowing when you consider where he came from: 6th grade Gentry who had terrible table manners, a big crush on my BFF Stephanie, hated homework or hard work of any kind, and was obsessed with camo, guns, and shooting things. (Okay, so not everything has changed.) 

When Gentry took over our dad's business immediately following Dad's unexpected death, I had doubts. About all of it. Doubts about the work load for G, doubts about the pressure, the emotional toll it would take to sit at my dad's desk and answer his phone everyday, to break the news to clients that Tom had been in a plane accident, the list goes on. 

But with the help of our dad's office manager and super-star Ramiro who still works with G, the ship stayed afloat. Business went on, certainly not "as usual" but it went on. And here we are three years later, and Gentry is not just surviving in dad's role. He's thriving. The Renovate studio where I work is attached to Dad's office, which is now Gentry's. (I remind him often that our mom is the landlord/owner and he answers to her and she answers to no one. Because I'm a punk like that. And it's good for him.) 

Anyways, I walked into Gentry's office last week and noticed a new trophy/award among the ones my dad has earned over the years. What is this? Gentry was on the phone so I had to figure it out myself. Long Term Care Leader, Gentry Robinson, the plaque read. Wow!!!!! He's the leader for the entire Houston area, which is huge! And it's not based on Dad's previous business, but Gentry's work and client relationships. Way to go, Gentch! (I also was impressed that New York Life actually put Gentry on the award instead of his legal first name, Thomas. Way to go, Houston office staff!) 

My mom does not see herself as this, which is a shame, but she is a cheerleader for those around her. She is their champion. She and my dad were both that way, encouraging, motivating, "you can do it" attitude. Mom is excellent at telling people she's proud of them and that they're doing an awesome job. I know she tells G this all the time. And really, as difficult as he could be, my mom's dad was also a cheerleader. Specifically for those he loved. I hope to be like both of them. I hope my children and my grandchildren tell people that I rooted for them constantly, always, in the way that Gentry and I can say that of our parents and grandparents. Yes, there's a thin line between false flattery and true encouragement, so we have to be weary of that. 

Bob Goff puts it this way: 
“Words can launch us. We don't need to be a dean to say words that change everything for someone. Instead, God made it so that ordinary people like you and me can launch each other.” 

Numerous people helped launch Gentry into the role he's in now: they saw his character, his work ethic, and they told him who they saw him becoming, not who he used to be. Carrie Hall, Gerard, Kathy, Chip, friends, my mom, Amy, Steve and Catherine....their words launched Gentry. They didn't say "hey short, sixth grade, french-horn playing, squirrel shooting, homework avoiding Gentry really can't handle this." 

God does big things through us, our actions and words, our high-fives and our hugs. I forget that all the time. I forget daily: God does big things through us. 

I'm incredibly proud of my brother, and his wife. I know from watching my parents how influential your spouse can be to your success in this business. Amy is the best example of loving your people well - she has always seen Gentry's potential and fueled him towards who God is leading him to become. Where I see nerdy kid with a lot of hair gel, she sees a handsome hunk who is very hard-working and a wise businessman. 

What a great reminder that our words can launch others. Who are you going to help launch today? 

love and thank you for reading! 

happy new year! {reflections on 2013, part two}

Recently I saw the movie “August: Osage County”-though that is a whole post for another day- Julia Roberts’ character has just lost a close family member in a sudden accident and says:

 “Thank God we can’t tell the future. We’d never get out of bed.”

When those words hit my ears, I kind of felt like someone socked me in the stomach. We went through a lot at the end of 2012 and spent 2013 still reeling from the shock. Through each day, I learned things, gradually, things about life, myself, my family, grace, the world... This is the second part of a post about lessons from 2013. So here we go.

6) We all need to be heard.

My family saw a family counselor several times together summer 2013. Because we've had a few instances, we’ll call them melt downs, where everything has come pretty close to blowing up. Life seemed to be, for a few moments, spinning completely out of control. My brother and I have always argued and been really good at it, but now, our family dynamic out of whack and grief in places we didn't even know it – we needed help. The professional kind. Either that, or we needed to sign a contract for a reality show because we were having “made for TV” train wreck moments.

And Dr. Bourne taught us, through tears and listening and trying to put our grief into words, that we all need to be heard. That as a family, the three of us (plus sweet Amy & patient Drew) didn't know how to communicate. We all talked, he said, and no one listened. He was like... a genius!

Though we do not need agreement, we need acceptance of what we are saying from those that love us. Dr. Bourne explained that I needed to listen to my brother, but I did not have to agree with my brother. Nor should I expect him to agree with me.

We all need to be heard by those we love. And, in turn, we all need to listen. Such a simple concept, yet it has been a game changer for getting along with my closest peeps.

7) Singing is healing.

I have found that church is really, really healing, and really, really hard. As I’ve tried to figure out why, it's occurred to me: it’s not hearing scripture that’s hard, or seeing friends, or listening to the sermon – it’s the singing. The words and the sound and the being still - singing, though painful, has been very healing. I am incredibly thankful for musically inclined who write and play music because I can do neither, and it’s good for my soul.

8) People, above all else, matter.

My dad’s financial provisions for our family have been so wonderful, don’t get me wrong. Truly, wonderful, and have brought much peace, stability, and comfort to my mom and my brother and myself. However, without my parent’s friends, without his friends from various stages of life, and without my own friends, and my husband, and Amy, and the Carrigans, and all of you that love on us and care for us….all the “financial security” would be meaningless. In the end, people matter above everything else. And though my dad had great life insurance policies and investments and budgets in place, more important to him were his connections, and networks: the work out guys, his friends from middle school/high school/college, his favorite federal agent, his study group, his young life leader Luke, his chapelwood softball team – all these people who have loved us so well in his absence. One of my dad’s annual goals in 2011 was to spend time with William Chenoweth – written in there among different business goals, he wanted to be sure his calendar had plenty of room for baseball and his friend. He wanted to be sure his staff was aware of his priorities. I need to mimic that idea.

People, above all else, matter.

9) My mom is my hero.

I relearn this almost daily. The stuff she has been through... wow. Sometimes it feels like the hits just keep coming – my uncle totaling his truck and closely avoiding seriously hurting himself in an accident. My aunt getting breast cancer. My grandfather and great-grandfather dying. My brother and I being the jerks we can be. She’s ramped up her business full throttle. She’s traveled with New York Life and spoken about my dad’s career six times. She’s mastered a teleprompter beautifully! She loves on people. She smiles. Shoot, she gets out of bed everyday! She brings us all such laughter and joy and she’s also shown us it’s okay to just be ticked off every now and then. She's modeled forgiving and taking the higher road, more times than she should have had to. 

You've seen those commercials for the Olympics where they have the hot-shot athletes as little kids, and it shows how much their moms do for them? Gentry & I, unfortunately, are not Olympics material. But, our mom deserves one of those commercials nonetheless.

10) Untimely death can make you bold.

Faith has pulled us through this thick muck. I should loudly give God the credit for all he has done for our family and all he has provided. I know that there are kids out there (and adults, too!) that never had the chance to have the gifts we’ve had (healthy great-grandparents, an amazing-terrific-rare-find-totally-awesome Dad) and that God has not been “unfair” to us and God did not cause the plane accident. I should be much bolder in crediting God when people ask how we’re doing or how we get on without TWR.

11) It is good to be silly.

I’ve got lots of notes on this theory, how it is a good thing to be ridiculous. It’s actually enough to save for a full post, soon, so for now, enough from me. 

Thank you, so very much, for reading. You are awesome.

Happy 2014 & Love,

Courtney

happy new year! {reflections on 2013, part one}

2013 was a loooooong year. A wonderful year! A year of grieving, a year of celebrating, a roller coaster of emotions. The Houston marathon was this weekend and I mentioned to Drew – remember last year when it was really cold and rainy and I stayed in bed but you went out to watch your friend? 

He responded: “Wow, was that really only last year? Feels like so much longer.”

Drew and I got married on December 31, 2012, so 2013 started off new and fresh immediatly. It was a year full of firsts, full of learning about marriage, full of pinching myself that he had actually said “I do.” 

Every year brings learning- about the world, about yourself, about life. I’ve written a few year-end wrap ups before, but I can easily say 2013 brought the most joys, most pain, and most learning I’ve ever experienced in a 365 day window. So I’ll share a few lessons if you’re interested. If you’re not, I’d certainly understand. J

 1) You. Cannot. Control. Death. 

Not yours, not loved ones, not your parents, nor can you control anything about death. But what you can control is what you do with the time you’re given to live.

I have much better days when I focus on what I can do with my life and days on earth than when I dwell on how my dad’s accident could have been prevented, or question why it happened at all. My maternal grandfather and great-grandfather both died in 2013, and I’m still adjusting to the reality that they’re not here anymore. But we had them both longer than we “should” have, and for their memories I am forever grateful. 

2) Vacations are grrrrrrrreat. Time away from the hurried pace of daily life is marvelous. Getting to go on a honeymoon with Drew was incredible. It was great to start married life with a reminder that alone time is good, a break from daily routine is good, and traveling is important to both of us. And also, room service may be one of the greatest inventions ever. Blueberry pancakes? Yes, please! Smores in the hot tub? Don't mind if I do! 

3) We are not leaving this earth with anything.

We got robbed in June, and a lot of sentimental stuff was lost, permanently. It could have been worse and homeowners insurance covered a lot, but. I lost jewelry that was passed down, as well as my Dad’s iPad, and all the photos on our laptops and cameras – honeymoon pictures, rehearsal dinner pictures, pictures from Gentry & Amy’s wedding weekend, the list goes on. But when I calmed down and really thought about it, all that mattered was that we were safe. All that was missing were things that will eventually fade away anyway. It was a good lesson to attempt to stop storing up treasures here. Because it’s true, that old saying – you can’t take it with ya when ya go. Putting too much value in any object, even the sentimental ones that remind us of others, is not good. Being robbed will teach you very quickly that less is more.

4) Darkness is all around us.

I know that sounds negative at first glance, but I think acknowledging this darkness gives us more ammo to fight it. Manipulative, petty people. Oh they just seem to come out of the woodwork sometimes, don’t they!? Liars, thieves, selfish, bitter, scum sucking people. But you can either let them consume you and take over your happiness, or you can realize that’s satan trying to get in the way of you living. I would hate to sound like Joel Osteen here, but…satan is trying to keep us from living the life we’re meant to be lived. I learned that in 2013. I also saw a quote that came from Harry Potter actually, that says “Happiness can be found, even in the darkness of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” And not just Harry Potter thinks this, but the Bible too: “In Him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” John 1:5-6

5) Jesus is the light of the world.

Cliché, I know, but if you read point #4 you need to know point #5. This world is maddening, has plenty of evil and darkness, but it also has, light. Kindness. Goodness. Gentleness. Joy. Faith. Abundant grace.

I will never, ever forget the light that poured from the children at the Tree of Life, a community of homes full of Zambian orphans in Africa. Children who had been rescued from the streets, and brought to live in homes, with a house mother, and a toilet, and comfy bed, and brothers or sisters, and food, and school. Most of them never had any of those things before: a bed, regular food, school, running water, love. And all of them still had little compared to us in America – can you imagine growing up with three siblings all living in your room? Gosh we’d complain to our friends! Can you imagine having just enough clothes to take up one drawer and one quarter of a closet? Gosh we’d think we were poor! But these children, you can see it in their eyes and feel it in their hugs, and hear it in their voices when they sing praises to God – they are filled with light. I will never forget their eyes.

I wrote down five more major lessons of 2013 – six actually, but I feel as though I’m rambling now as I type from my pages. So for now, that’s all. 5 things to think about heading into to 2014.

I wonder how God will use the next year to teach us, to love on us, to make us better stewards of his grace. I wonder what doors will close and what windows will open.  I don’t know much, but I know that God will always be there and will always be good.