well behaved women rarely make history.

Every now and then, I find myself getting stuck thinking what my children will not have: mainly, my dad, but also, my great-grandparents, who were a giant part of mine and Gentry's happiest childhood memories. Our family has had a lot of death in the last three years: my great-grandparents, my dad, and both my grandfathers. 
But oh, how we have lived in those years, too, with weddings and births and lots of joy. 

I can quickly fill my cup with gratitude if I focus on the positive - what my children do have... Honey! My grandmother is 76 years young, and not ashamed of her age for a second. She proudly tells TSA officers at the airport, I'm old enough to leave my shoes on, thank you very much! 

Honey is wonderful with Thomas, and my niece Clare. As they get old enough to walk and talk, I can only imagine the shenanigans they'll pull together. 

One of my earliest memories involving Honey is being in the backseat with my mom driving, Gentry next to me, and someone pulled in front of us or something aggressive, and my mom had to brake hard, and Gentry cheerfully yelled out "Frog Face!" Ha, she may not be politically correct, but Honey sure is funny, occasionally calling bad drivers out there "frog face." 

It's not the only funny phrase she has taught us, recently she and I were walking at the farm and she said something about someone "oh, he goes through women like he goes through shoes." Nice. Thank you for that honest info. 

And the donkey song.... If you've been around Honey much, you've heard the donkey song. I love that all my friends know it. Her hee-haw whistle is incomparable. 

Her one-uppers. If you tell Honey a story, she'll have something twice as cool to follow it, and whether or not it's accurate, she does not care and will not admit. 

She and my dad got a long so well - both quite similar, with their positive, upbeat natures, their great sense of humor and adventure. They were work hard, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, don't every have self-pity or much self-doubt, type people. They are the types you want to be more like.  

I miss my dad every day, more than I probably even imagined I would in the first few months he was gone. It's comforting to know how much Honey misses him too, and loved him as her own even though he was an "in law." 

My grandmother doesn't do favorites, and she doesn't do "in-laws." It is one of her very best qualities and very rare, I think. I hope to emulate it myself. I think she saw it in her dad, and has carried it on to the next generation. 

I always tease Honey, wanting her to say I'm her favorite, though she has never acted as if I am, not for a second. "Yes, you're my favorite oldest granddaughter," she always says. Growing up, I never once thought she loved my dad any less than she loved my mom, and same with my aunt. It was not the same on my dads side, and though I don't mean to sound mean, my paternal grandmother made it very obvious which child was "hers" and which was the "in-law." It's not a becoming quality. It did not build anyone up or strengthen that side of the family. Not for a hot second. 

I joke that my grandmother, Honey, rambles and talks too much about weird things and never ever listens (even Drew admits, you ask Honey a question, and while you're answering, she's moved on to a completely different topic) but she is such an asset to our family, such a character building, encouraging, lights-up-the-room grandmother. 

I was very, very concerned when Amy and Gentry were dating and G would just leave Amy alone with Honey. What is he doing!?!! I would think to myself. 

Honey would be off on a tangent and Gentry just left Angel Amy there, unassisted, to fend for herself. 

My attitude was all wrong. Anyone who gets time with Honey should be thankful. What a hoot! What a ham! She is hilarious and you're never...bored. You also never forget a story she tells because you're going to hear it two, three, maybe six more times.  

And, if she's not yours, at the end of the conversation, who knows, you might walk away thankful for your grandmother. Your sweet, quiet, always appropriate grandmother. Me, I know nothing of those things! And, people tell me we are like "chip and chirp."  

I should be so lucky. 

I could go for hours telling you stories of Honey's resilience, how her faith in the Lord runs deep, and that her house certainly built upon a rock, not sand. I could tell you how the winds have blown around her, and how she has stood strong, unyielding. I could tell you of her devotion to her husband, but there is just too much there for me to unravel that thread today. I could tell you how she buried a grandchild and never once made it about her pain or her heartache, but instead modeled moving forward for us, taking one day at a time, missing Wesley but continuing to live. 

Honey is incredibly hardworking, as I've mentioned. She still works as a real estate broker, and takes continuing education to keep her license active, and she never complains that money does not grow on trees and that it doesn't hurt for her to continue working. But then again, I never hear her complain about anything. Maybe that hasn't eaten in a few hours. "Have you ever known me to miss a meal?" is one of her favorite lines. 

She recently told someone while I was listening that she is  "a renegade, of sorts." This was around 11 am - it wasn't the wine talking - and honestly, I have no idea what she was talking about. But Honey doesn't care sometimes if you understand her point or not - in fact, she LOVES to say "what's your point" at the end of your story and move right on with her own agenda. What's your point? 

Honey's Dad, Popa, had a pillow in his home office that said "live long enough to be a burden to your children" ... yet here we are, and she's doing it to her grown grandchildren. We are so lucky. 

So c'mon friends, lift up your vodka soda, tall glass, with two limes,and let's toast to Honey! May she live to be 100 and 1, sonny gun! 

happy first birthday, catherine clare {12.5.15}

Dear Clare, 

Happy first birthday, baby girl!

I can hardly believe it's been 365 days since you arrived and rocked our worlds. My gosh, the joy and laughter you bring to our lives!

the first day you were home from the hospital

In later years, I hope you know how much I could not get enough of you - I've tried to see you often as I can, and for the first few months that meant I came over at least once a week. I can't get enough of the videos and pics your mommy sends us. CC takes great pics of you, too. (Lovie is working on her techie skills.)

auntie steph & auntie kels giving you & Thomas bottles 

Uncle Willie's game vs. Rhodes (you were not the team lucky charm, unfortunately.) 

I love taking you for walks! 

Ladies Who Lunch - you, me, Paige, and mommy out on the town

And goodness, watching your mommy and daddy become a mommy and daddy - what an incredible joy that has been, too. Somedays I find myself wanting to call you a mommy's girl, because if she walks out of a room, you want to find her immediately, and if her arms are free, you want her to hold you. But, then I watch you interact with your daddy, and I see the GIANT grins you give him when he walks in, and I think... she just really, really loves her mommy and her daddy. And boy, do they adore you! 

Drew told some of our friends recently that he thought my "obsession with Clare" would die down once Thomas was born - but when I heard that, I said "impossible!" Nieces are different than daughters, and I will love you no less regardless of  how many of our own children Drew and I may have.  

Speaking of Thomas, you are so funny with him. What a gift to have cousins so close - both in age, and proximity. It is so fun to get the two of you together often!

I hope I never forget the time we were playing in your living room, Thomas laying on his back, about 4 months old. You were about 10 months old and crawling all over the place. You scooted over to Thomas, leaned over him and gave him a thoughtful gaze for a few long seconds, and then promptly yanked his pacifier out of his mouth and looked up at us as if you were so proud of what you had done. Thomas, usually not very fussy or startled, burst into loud cries. Which didn't seem to faze you, thus making us laugh even more! I also love watching you try to get him to clap. I think this will be your interaction for the next few years, with you one step ahead, wondering why this dude can't keep up with your tricks. Just give him time, Clare Bear! Someday it might be like your dad and myself: he'll grow much taller than you and jog faster than you can sprint. Take it from me, you should enjoy this while it lasts! 

My friend Renza thinks it's very funny that I've compiled quite the collection of fussy pictures of you with me. When you were brand new, you were happy in my arms, but as you've grown, sometimes I pick you up or steal you from your mommy and a fit comes over you. See exhibit A, exhibit B, exhibit C, etc.  

 

I love your independence, Clare. You're content to pull blocks out of baskets and put them back in, over and over, as you play at Lovie's while we all eat dinner or just watch you. You love to pet all the dogs (thank goodness, you're surrounded by those hairy beasts wherever you go) and you love to go for walks in your pink car. And, if we don't push you fast enough, you give us "the look." I've become very familiar with this look. You love to stand on your tippy tip toes and dance. Right now you love to open and close cabinets, too. 

It has been a delight to be with you so much in your first trip around the sun, Clare. Your mom is the most loving, giving, generous person when it comes to you. I don't feel like her in-law but a true sista - all of your Carrigan peeps make us feel that way, actually - and I'm so thankful for all that your mommy has let me be a part of with you. 

I loved watching you swim this summer at CC and Gunner's pool. You LOVE the water! Thomas' first swim was at CC and Gunner's with you! How fun! His first time to swing was in your front yard in your pink swing. So much of any mommy wisdom I have is just stolen from your mom. I wonder how many dozens of my questions she has answered because of the things she learned first with you. You already teach us so much, Catherine Clare! 

Before I wrap up this note, I must document your love for jewels. 

Yes, it's true, you've inherited your grandmother's love for shiny objects. You cannot get enough jewelry. Literally: If I'm wearing a bracelet or a watch, you are not satisfied until I hand it over to you. Once I thought you were reaching for me to pick you up out of your high chair, and I thought it was such a sweet moment, and then we realized, nah - you just wanted the bracelets off my right arm. Immediately. 

Your Lovie is the same way, she loves baubles - the bigger, the better. And, she  inherited her love of big bling from HER grandmother. Cathy and Mary Ella, (known to us as Lovie and Dear) are both women of incredible strength and faith. Both devoted to their families like few I've ever known. Both experienced great loss, and huge love, and strong marriages. May you grow up to be their kind of wife and mother. They weren't perfect, (oh, far from!) but they put absolutely everything they had into making their marriages and families blessed. And the blessings continue generations later because of them! 

(And God bless your future husband if your love of shiny objects continues as you grow older. Bless.) 

In conclusion...Happy First Birthday, Clare! 

conspire to harass him together. Bob Goff says there are actually SIX love languages, not five... And the sixth is pranking. I hope he's enjoy the calm before the storm. 

Last year, I told you this, my love, and don't you forget it - We are all so in love with you and so in awe of this miracle! May you grow up knowing how loved and cared for you are, baby girl. I cannot imagine a child born to a better team than the mom and dad you've got, and all the people they’ve got, loving on them, and thus, you.

I am so honored and proud to be your aunt. 

Eskimo Kisses, Lolly

First Thanksgiving! At the Farm

You Visited Thomas in the Hospital! Your mommy & daddy tried to leave you in the hallway. 

Checking out Thomas after he came home!

That Face! 

up in the air, wild blue yonder.

Recently, I came across this note from Stuart Ford to my mom, which he wrote the week my dad died. I found it very comforting to reread, so I'm sharing it below. We actually printed it and passed out Stuart's words at my dad's memorial service, so I hope he'd be okay with me sharing them again now. 

Someone recently asked me if I felt like people were really supportive right after Dad's death, and then they kind of went back to their own thing after a few days. Great question, and thankfully for me, I have a great answer: no. I really do not. The Lord has continuously provided such grace and joy through numerous friends for each of the five of us: Mom, Gentry and Amy, Drew, and myself. 

This note from Stuart Ford was a reminder that immediately, upon hearing about my dad's accident, people came running. On the night that Dad's plane engine malfunctioned, (Sept. 8, 2012) we were packed in at the Carrigan's house on Pine Grove Circle. People that we called didn't just answer their phones- they hung up and came over to hug us and cry with us and be brokenhearted right along with us. And they kept coming, all week. I wanted a burnt orange dress to wear to the service, and I had quite the shopping posse with me that Wednesday, as most of my close friends in Houston wanted to help in any way that they could, or just be near me as I did trivial things like shop for a dress. 

Stuart Ford and his wife Pat are friends of my parents: their son is my age and their daughter, Kelly, is Gentry's age and they were cheerleaders together at Memorial. (Being a dude cheerleader at MHS is cool.) The Fords are good friends, but they would by no means call my parents best friends. Stuart's kind words show how thoughtful he was to take the time to comfort us by writing down his thoughts and sharing them. 

He is a great example that you don't have to be "super close" to someone to comfort them and walk with them in their grief. You don't have to know exactly what to say, or how to say it, but Stuart shows us - just do something. Some people brought us toilet paper. Others brought us multi-vitamins to keep our immune systems up. Some brought sandwiches and drinks. Some said nothing, they were just present. Some said too much, but we knew they meant well. 

I've learned to listen to the Holy Spirit (insert eye roll for some, I know, it sounds hokey sometimes) but  I've learned to listen to what the Lord is guiding you to do, to be His love in the flesh, when someone you love is hurting. 

Death is terrible. But God is bigger than death. He sends people to hug you, love on you, wipe your tears, listen to you rant that this. is. not. fair. God is bigger than our pain. 

I miss Dad more than words can ever say. I miss Dad more than I thought it was possible for a heart and body to miss another being. And in that longing, I am greatly comforted by memories. Thank you, Stuart, for these great words, and thank you Mom, for reading them and immediately saying "I want to print these to pass out at the service." His words are worth holding on to. 


Cathy, 
The first time I ever flew with Tom was one of the most memorable days of my life. I am a plane fanatic and have been from birth. I was the kid in the outfield not picking flowers but watching every plane in the sky. There is still not a plane that flies over my head that I don't watch, try to identify what type of plane that is and wonder where it came from and where it is going. I have many friends with planes and every time they take off, I have an app that informs me of their flight and gives me a map of their progress and tells me when they land. 

I have flown in many, many types of private planes, from large jets to single engine planes, but, until I flew with Tom, I realized that I had never experienced what flying truly is. 

No doors, no windows, the wind in your face, the spray of the water when we would land on the lake, waving out the window to people I know when we flew over them, having the ability to turn the plane around to look at something we missed... 

When I met "The Real McCoy" and Tom at the Lakeway Airpark that morning, he was getting gas at the pump and there was a plane behind him waiting until he finished to get fuel, too. When Tom finished, the other pilot and I offered to help him push the plane away from the gas pump, and that is when Tom said "No problem, I got it" and Tom lifted the tail of his plane and effortlessly pushed it by himself. That is when I snapped this picture. (no e-version of the pic) 

Like many who have flown with Tom, Tom had me get in the front seat while he climbed in the back and made me familiar with the flight controls, instruments and gauges of the Real McCoy. After answering several hundred of my questions, Tom said, "Let's Go!" And I said, "I'm ready!" 

He then said: Start the plane. Of course I think that since I'm in the front seat there must be some key to turn or button to push and I am rapidly trying everything I can to not look stupid... I then gave up and said "Tom, I can't find the button." And he said: "Stuart, you have to get out and put the prop in your hands and pull down hard" ... and of course I said "Tom, that sounds like a perfect job for you" and he said "I've got to stay in the plane and hold the brakes so that the plane doesn't run over you"... terrific. 

It look me literally 15 times to start it because I kept backing away from the prop as I pulled it down... He finally told me that I had to stay very close to the prop in order for the downward motion to be powerful enough to start the engine. Wow. What a lesson! 

That first flight with Tom was the wonderful beginning of stregthening a terrific relationship that began years ago as members of "DOX - Dad's of Cheerleaders" a secretive fraternal organization designed to keep our children safe and alive during their tenure as Memorial High School cheerleaders! 

Tom and I shared the love of airplanes and he was so very kind and patient to take me and my family on more flights than I can count. All of us loved waving towels at him off of the back porch of our lake house when he flew over and we went crazy when we knew that he saw us when he waved his wings! 

When he would fly over our part of the lake, especially in the sea plane, and was unable to pick me up, I would watch him until he disappeared from view, wondering what it was like to be there with him. I am so proud of Tom. While we shared the passion of flying and the love of airplanes, he did so much more. He took that passion and love and did something about it - instead of just dreaming like me. He trained, he studied, he practiced, he researched, he practiced and he practiced and he became a proficient, safe pilot and he shared the dream with so many young and young at heart. He not only shared the flight but many stories about sleeping in hangers and landing in fields, flying cross-country and meeting wonderful people who helped him along his way. I hope to remember those stories. I believe that I know, with all the confidence that I have, where Tom is right now. He is sharing the wonders of flight with others right now! And I will fly with him again. 

-Stuart

wisdom - notes on marriage

Recently, I shared that Drew and I have met with Rev. RPC (Richard Colquitt) and his wife Susan for some marriage "tune-ups." (see previous post.) It sounds weird to call it marriage counseling, but...basically they're counseling us about our marriage. So, yea, we can call it that. 

You might be able to relate to what Drew and I have been struggling with - in a way, just growing pains of being married a few years (three years this coming New Years Eve), adding a new baby and midnight feedings to the mix, and we needed some fresh air breathed in. 

Enter Susan and Richard.

Richard married us and is a certified Rev. His wife, Susan, might as well be too - she is so patient, and kind, and just speaking with her for a few minutes you know she's an amazing woman and wife. We'll just call her legit, if you don't know her, and go from there. 

Anyways, we met with Susan and Richard this summer because Drew and I struggle with figuring out the holidays with both of our families. We've been trying to balance it as fairly as possible the last few years, and Christmas is still pretty stressful. We don't want to lose the meaning of the season in all the hustle and bustle of "Okay, three hours at my mom's house, then three hours at your grandmother's house, then 6 am at your mom's house, then 11 am at my mom's house..."

And quite honestly, we've realized that it's complicated for both of us because we long to be with "our" families because neither of our dads are in our lives, and that just...throws off the family "dynamic" a bit and I think you cling a bit tighter to who is left. But don't get me started down that road. Just remind me that God is good, and some people deserve a swift hard kick to the shins, and plane engines suck. 

Oops, I'm rambling. Back to Richard and Susan's wisdom. Here's the gist: 

Richard didn't give us any concrete answers. He said, I could tell you how to solve this specific issue. I could give you my opinion and an "answer." But I'm not going to do that. (Of course not, Richard. You're too wise for the easy road.) 

So Richard gave us a few passages. He read to us in his living room from Proverbs 2, and James chapters 1 and 3. and he said a few things of personal advice, and then he said "Now if Su were here, she'd say, you sure talk a big game, Richard." (For this meeting Susan was out of town with grandchildren.) 

Man, do I have some learning and growing up to do. It's funny to me actually, that before meeting with Richard, I would have told you yes, I've read James several times all the way through and bits here and there over and over, back to high school with our Young Life leader Denise, but reading it with this specific tough situation in mind, was so eye opening.

I've been asking, how do we get through this? How do we figure out how to not hurt feelings but find a compromise that doesn't make us snap at each other or resentful or whatever yucky feeling, and here was a direct answer: Be impartial. Be submissive. Be quiet. (I ramble, can you imagine?) 

Don't get me wrong: I went home and read these passages Richard gave us and I told my mom: Richard is so smart and I love the things he told us about decision making and I know these scripture sections are good, but...I still don't know the answer. And Richard said read these passages for a week before you talk again as a couple. So Drew and I did that, and I looked up the definition to a lot of words, and I have to tell you - it was really, really helpful. 

So again, he said focus on: Proverbs 2, James 1, and James 3. Pray, read, and reread. And before I ramble anymore, I want to tell you, these passages are not just great for the young married couples out there trying to figure out Christmas holidays with two families. These really keeps you focused on God's wisdom for relationships with friends, family members - there are so many areas of my life that studying these verses has 

brought to light that I need more God and less me. More God, less me. 

James 3:13-18

13 Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. 14 But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. 15 Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. 16 For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.

17 But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18 Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.

I sat in our living room with my bible a few days later, and I wrapped my mind around those words: peace-loving, considerate, submissive, impartial, full of mercy. Peacemaker! Shoot, He caught me. Am I aiming to be a peacemaker for my family? I felt like someone was asking me a question and I looked around, over my shoulder, to see if they were talking to someone else. Wait, WHAT? You're talking to me!?  

Peace - freedom from disturbance; quiet and tranquility

Considerate- careful not to cause inconvenience or hurt to others. Syn. - thoughtful, attentive

Submissive - ready to conform to the authority or will of others. Syn. - yielding. 

Impartial- treating all people and groups equally : not partial or biased Syn. fair, just. 

Mercy - compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm. Syn. - grace. 

To wrap up, Drew and I met about 2 weeks after our second meeting with Richard. Our conversation wasn't perfect, there were still tears and tense words, but it was good. We grew closer and the tears were productive. we kept things focused on what God says relationships should be. Not even just marriage, but relationships. We think we've figured out what's healthy for us for holidays for the next two years. That's what Richard advised, too - don't try to plan this out for the next 10 years, just figure out the next two, and go from there.

What is healthy for us, for the three of us - Drew, Courtney, Thomas. Not what do we think our families would want us to do, what would make others happy, but what is healthy (and holy) for the three of us.

Richard assured us we would have more decisions like this in the future. He said, you're even going to be deciding, okay, what do we do this weekend? Do we stay home? Do we go out of town with friends? Do we do this, that, etc... And you can use these passages and this as a tool to help make those decisions down the line.

I very much feel like we asked Richard to give us a fish because we wanted to eat for a day. Instead, wise Rev. RPC taught us how to fish, and we'll be able to eat for a lifetime. Goodness, how thankful for Richard and sweet Su and their willingness to pour their wisdom and love into our lives.

ministers on retainer {i love rev rpc}

Did you hear the story recently about the student accused of rape at St. Paul's School in New Hampshire? 

I followed the story closely last month for a number of reasons: 

1) I have more time to watch the news now, while I'm giving Thomas a bottle. Who knew having an infant would keep me so informed? 

2) We just visited the St. Paul's campus last April because one of my siblings in-law was a professor there for the past five years. 

3) Being a "boy mom" somehow already makes me more aware of harassment allegations, and the conversations we need to have with our children about sex. 

4) Finally, I found it particularly interesting that these students primarily come from very affluent families, and the news kept mentioning the students called as witnesses first consulted their family lawyers before they testified. 

I got to thinking, what if we kept ministers on retainer and sought their advice for ourselves and our children? 

Don't get me wrong. I love the thought of having an attorney on retainer just in case your family needs one. (Shout-out to the one & only Steve C. and how he offers endless support to our family, especially since my dad's unexpected death in 2012. There was this one time that we were fighting for custody of our paternal grandfather and preparing all kinds of legal documents, and there was Steve, in the very late hours at night, through all the drama, right along with us - offering his wise, invaluable legal counsel. Just because he loves my brother and our family. And because he's super smart and would be a great undercover agent someday. He is the man.) 

But really... what if as communities, our mindset was to seek counsel from ministers, those trained in the scriptures and truth, to give us advice, suggestions, wisdom? 

What if we got together and financially supported more ministers, Young Life leaders, wise seminary grads, and theologians like Richard Colquitt? I don't even know how to do that. Just find someone and say "here's some cash, I know you don't get paid NEAR what you deserve?" I know oil and gas brings in the big dollars. But it's a shame that we don't pay our pastors (and our teachers) more. A lot more. It seems to me that ministers make giant sacrifices (time, money, energy) and our families just reap the reward. Immediately I think of Mike Maddry and the incredible gift of his faith and leadership at Memorial and other schools through his time as a Young Life minister. Without a doubt, the work he did and the relationships he grew continue to "produce fruit." (I know this term is cliche but I can't think of anything better so...suggestions welcome.) 

I hope to not overstate or exaggerate this, but... I cannot imagine that my life would look the same if Richard Colquitt had not left his law practice to become a minister. Seriously, let me repeat that: 

I cannot imagine that my life would look the same if Richard Colquitt had not left his law practice to become a minister.

He and his wife told me that my dad had died, the night of his accident. My mom was in Marble Falls and couldn't get to Houston fast enough to tell us herself, so she asked Susan and Richard to do it. 

They prayed over us and for us in the days and weeks and months that followed. Their strength gave us strength. 

Richard counseled Drew and I as our wedding approached, and some days I couldn't fathom how we'd have the wedding without Dad. Some days I did not know how I'd breathe, let alone walk down the aisle without him. 

But, Richard helped us know that life goes on and God is still good and he performed the ceremony that I will remember and cherish forever. The ceremony was so honoring of my dad, and what he would want: few tears, abundant joy. Richard led us in our vows to God and to each other, and I am so thankful for him. 

Which brings me back to my point: what if we didn't have access to this minister, this wise man, who has spent years studying scripture and taking classes and learning Hebrew and/or Greek and languages I have no clue about, so that he can better understand Christ, and in turn, help others like me and Drew do the same? 

Marriage is hard.  

Most of us do not ever post to Facebook or Instagram about arguments or tough issues. We post about fun activities and things we want to document for ourselves. But what if we need to document the tough stuff for others? What if I need to shout from the rooftops DREW AND I GET COUNSELING!!!!! so that someone else feels okay seeking counsel too? 

It's true, Drew and I get counseling. We probably waited too long to seek it out (2.5 years) but we met with Richard and Susan this summer to seek wisdom for our marriage. Wisdom not from the world. 

For follow up, we spent a few hours with Richard talking through scripture and wisdom and stuff - I'll share details of Richard's advice for us soon. 

When I posted about grief counseling years ago, I blogged that our family is at times a "shit show" (if Jen Hatmaker can say jackass I can say that, right?) Anyways, by sharing with the blogosphere that our family needed counseling in our time of immense pain and grief, I can now tell you several specific people who have seen or are currently seeing a counselor because they read my ramblings. Oh how affirming that is for me to keep rambling! 

This post is too long already, so soon I will come back with some practical tips Richard and Su gave us that have been so helpful to us lately. In short, Drew and I have needed counsel this summer. We still love each other for example, when Drew went to Austin overnight for work recently, we really missed each other and it was just one night apart. I couldn't wait for him to be home! (Isn't that so sweet? Vomit.) 

Yes, we love each other, but yes, marriage is hard and there are tense times. And my goodness, am I thankful that we are able to call Richard and Susan, and they have us over to their home, cook us a feast, and share their wisdom with us. Aren't we lucky to have these ministers on retainer? And aren't we thankful that my mom encourages us to call Rev. RPC and his beautiful bride? I wonder and feel guilty almost about what other couples must do if they don't have Susan's number saved in their phone and can't ask Rev. RPC for free wisdom. Gosh, we are thankful for them and the time they give us. 

To sum up: Marriage is really, really hard. And really, really terrific. And ministers are fabulous. Sometimes the bible can be just words on a page to me. But, Richard gave us a few passages to focus on for our specific season and what we're struggling with, and it was eye-opening, practical, and awesome. 

Enough rambling for now. 

Thank you, sweet friends, for reading and loving us. You are the bees knees. 

i'm terrible at goodbyes and apologies

*I wrote this about a month ago but hadn't a chance to type it/edit for major grammatical errors until now. Thanks for reading, sweet friends. 

I'm terrible at goodbyes and apologies. I'm awkward and fumble with my words and I just, I hate goodbyes. I'm hate when you know it'll be a while before you see them. Like when I used to visit my friend Caitlin while she was living in DC, when it came time for me to go home, I just wanted to run off instead of maybe get teary and all goofy. I was even terrible at casual goodbyes, like on dates. Drew says I used to just say "BYE!" and sprint to my front door, where I thought I was lingering long enough for him to kiss me. This happened a number of times. 

I do not think I've ever had an anxiety attack before, by the grace of God. But a few days after having Thomas home from the hospital, I came close. I was low on sleep, struggling to feed him without formula, and just a bit of a mess. I was headed for a much-needed shower while either Drew or my mom held Thomas. 

Dad was on my mind, and I couldn't push it away. I wanted to keep his memory at bay for the moment, for entire days actually, to just not think of him at all, because I was too exhausted to process the feelings.  

The lump in my throat stuck, and it was hard to breathe for a few seconds. I couldn't swallow. I felt like I was swallowing my tongue. I put my hands on the tile walls of the shower to steady myself, and I tried to think of anything but Dad, anything else. I tried to push the thought away: "Why. Aren't. You. Here." I tried not to be angry with God because I know he is not punishing us with Dad's plane crash and absence from our lives. God is still here and God is still good and God is still love. But ... my dad is still gone. 

My heart breaks for our loss, for all of us: my brother, my mom, my husband, my sister in law, Dad's friends, and his grandchildren, who will know all about him, but they will not know him.  

I owe Dad an apology. He has seemed distant lately, and he usually feels so close, through God's grace and his friends and my mom and my brother, his memory keeps him right there, so close that he is almost still with us. But I think he's been distant since my sob-session in the shower that first week of Thomas' life. For over a month, I have tried not to think of Dad, for the first time since his death. 

I'm sorry for pushing your memory away. I'm sorry for being too scared to look at your picture for fear the tears will come. Usually, your smile in the frame brings a smile to my face. So what if it brings tears right now? Let em roll. Let me be brave enough to embrace  your memory, whatever emotions it may bring with it. 

Dad has seemed quite close since he physically left us through ways I cannot always explain, so it was hard to understand where this distant feeling was coming from - but I figured it out this week. It's coming from me. And for that, I am sorry. 

My dad's memory is worth sharing with my son. If it brings tears, let Thomas learn from the very beginning that life is beautiful and it is also filled with pain. Let him learn that the fear of losing people you love is no reason to love less. 

Let my dad teach Thomas (and Clare, and the others, Lord willing) that we should love with abandon, live life fully, get dirty, run around outside, make friends, be nice to people when it's awkward or hard, be generous, work hard. 

I need my Dad's memory in my life. I love hearing his voice through Gentry's voice. I love hearing his silly jokes through Jim & Bobby (and the inappropriate ones, too.) I love William telling me when I remind him of Tom, even if he is only saying it to be nice. 

Dad, I'm sorry for thinking maybe we should keep you at an arms distance because it is hard without you. We never said goodbye, and how appropriate that is, I think, because you're really not gone. 

Let us love with abandon, and may wild, fun-loving, God-fearing, do-it-yourself boys named Thomas continue to fill this Earth. 

Oh Lord, please let us love. 

thirty for thirty

Where I come from, people believe in being proud of their age. I'm not dreading turning thirty, and I'll never be one of those women who doesn't want you to know how old they are, or gets anxious about celebrating another birthday. 

Where I come from, people are given limited time on this planet, like 45 or 52 years. Jay and my dad have taught me to make the most of 'em, these days we are given. 

So let's do that: let's make average days count. Let's brag about our age. Let's race with gusto towards the next adventure (and certainly rest and enjoy occasional quiet, lazy days  of nothing, too.) 

I'm headed for thirty, baby, if anyone is asking! 

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Okay, yes, I've jumped on the band wagon of  "30 for 30" lists; I've been inspired by those a teensy bit older than me, one of my oldest friends Renza Sharpe, and one of her oldest friends, Taylor Jennings, who both made 30 for 30 lists of their own. 

Here are my rules: each item must be a "SMART" goal - meaning it's Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Results-Driven, and Time-Sensitive. (Thank you, Teach For America, for drilling into me how to set great goals.) There must be 30 different items, and they must be completed by the end of July 2016. So, for example, I don't just say "write more", I say "publish a minimum of two blog posts per month." 

I'm going public with my 30 for 30 list for several reasons: to hold myself accountable, possibly inspire others, and because, as I've shared before, writing is incredibly therapeutic for me regardless if anyone reads it. (And don't worry: I have at least one devoted reader. My grandmother reads each and every post, prints it, and keeps them in a giant 3-ring binder for when I'm a published author. Good ol' Honey!) 

in no particular order 

1) Go "off the grid" for a full weekend (no phone, no social media, etc.)

2) Have 15  minutes of quiet time outdoors each month 

3) Mentor a student for 1 year (minimum monthly contact) 

4) Research running for school board (we live in HISD district 6, and the seat is up for election in November 2017.) 

5) Read the New Testament in its entirety 

6) Take beach vacation!!! (Nothing personal but Galveston Island doesn't count)  

7) Camp outside for one night with Drew (Drew loves camping.) 

8) Hike a 14-er in Colorado 

9) Complete a 10k at a legit pace (definition of legit is TBD)

10) Complete half marathon (I haven't done much running since I tore my ACL beginning of 2013, so if I have to adjust this one, so be it. But for now, I'm coming for ya, 13.1) 

-No dessert for 30 days...Yea right! Life is too dad-gummed short. My dad's last meal was chocolate pie at the infamous BlueBonnet Cafe. Can I get an amen.

 

11) Eat "clean" at least 80% of the time for as long as possible - til Renzas wedding in October? Til the 30th bday? So far, 5 weeks in and going strong!

12) Get a library card, and use it at least 2 times. 

13) Read non-fiction more - suggestions welcome. So far I've got: Bonhoeffer, greatest generation, Ben carsons book

14) Budget and actually be aware of my spending for the year. (monthly spending review)

15) Still working on a specific "green" goal - recycling, less water/elec usuage, etc. 

16) Send more snail mail. 2 notes/week (or 10 notes per month, if weekly is too hard to do. Thank you notes do not count.) 

17) Train my heart to be more thankful. Keep a journal weekly of things I'm grateful for and ways the Lord has provided. 

18) Learn and confidently identify 10 constellations.

19) Bake an apple pie from scratch with my grandmother.

20) Visit a Bush Presidential Library - either 41 or 43. I'm so embarrassed that I live in Texas and haven't been to either of them! 

21) Get in 3 public fountains where it is not acceptable to get in said fountain. 

22) Publish two blog posts per month. 

23) Do something nice/generous for someone when I really do not want to. IE  I do not want to talk to someone for fear of being awkward (only example I can think of now is a homeless person, who is easier to avoid than speak with and show compassion.) 

23) Create a list/map of significant places in the Heights where my grandfather grew up (church, house, first job, etc) 

24) Finish real estate license. Honestly, dreading this one. I'm a great procrastinator. 

25) Girls weekend w/ my mom, sister in law, cousin/pretend sister, and grandmother. (One night stay at least)... and plan tentative girls weekends for the next 10 years. Seriously. Honey is 76 and all signs indicate that she may out last us all.

26) Learn to saddle a horse with no assistance. 

27) Do 30 real push ups consecutively on July 16, 2016 (if this sounds easy, please note I can currently do 6.) 

28) Reread 7 by Jen Hatmaker, and act on it. Such an honest, funny book with great perspective on how wasteful we are. 

29) TBD

30) TBD!

I'm two items short, but I wanted them each to be meaningful, not something I just hastily commit to because I need an even 30. 

Even just making this list has already been a blast! Thanks for following along. Hopefully I'll wind up at 30 a bit wiser, more thankful, and ready for more fun. After all, age is merely a number. 

Thanks for the flattering angle, Caitlin Hodges. You hid my double-chin so nicely.