happy 55th birthday, pops

"Love and hate are beasts, and the one that grows is the one you feed."

I love this quote. it provides such clarity to me, to getting through each day, but more than just "getting through" - to intentionally setting out and living life. 

During the last few years, there has been much to love and much to hate in my life. I never really understood "the best of times, the worst of times" until 2012. 

I met this guy who is all love. Drew. He is 110% loving, patient, kind. He too has a lot of things in his life that would make it easy to fuel the "hate beast" and go through life angry, bitter, or even just unsettled. He is far from any of those things. His faith is firm and rooted in forgiveness. 

I have a dad who is dead. And Drew has a dad a lot like sasquatch - i've heard of him, but i've never once seen him. 

Drew has taught me a lot about grace and forgiveness. He has taught me that having an incredible dad is not something that is a RIGHT. It is a gift. It is something to be cherished if you possess it. But it is not something that you should allow to define your whole life. I have my dad's memories, and legacy of love, and I want to continue to be like him. What I do not want is to be angry or bitter that his plane engine malfunctioned, that we didn't have nearly as much time with him as we wanted. 

I grew up knowing someone who fed the "hate beast" because of a great loss he experienced. It made it pretty miserable to be around him for years. He avoided church, he stayed pretty grumpy, he wasn't the person others had known. He let the loss fuel hate, instead of love. and through that, he was a great example-"don't walk down this road..." choose love. 

One of my dad's oldest and best friends, Jim, has told us that he doesn't want to celebrate or make special the day my dad's plane crashed. "I want May 29 to be a day we celebrate," he told me last summer. I totally agree. (and then i went and completely missed Jim's birthday this year. how nice! what a friend. FAIL!) 

My dad was all about life - and I hope that we find his birthday a joyful day, always. A day I'll celebrate with my children and family, a day we'll pause and think "how I can I love on someone? how I can spread dad's joys and his big heart through the world?" 

I haven't decided exactly what to do for dad's birthday this year. I've thought about talking to drew and sponsoring someone to go to a baseball camp, like a yellowstone kiddo for summer, or a MHS Young Life kid to camp in Colorado. Dad loved sports and he loved to be quietly generous. I've thought about making a donation to family legacy, where we built tom's house, and where we sponsor two boys each month through camp life. I've thought about getting a bunch of James Coney hot dogs and driving around and giving them to hungry people here in Houston. "Here, from Tom..."

If i sat still long enough to let the tears fall and really think about what Dad would want for his 55th birthday, I know it's simple. no grand gestures needed. just love. just do. I hesitate to quote Bob Goff all the time, but his words are brilliant and applicable. love does. love moves. 

"you don't need a plan, you just need to be present." -BG

mumford & sons - in these bodies we will live, and in these bodies we will die. where we invest our love, we invest our life. 

let's all go forward and invest in love. Let's love on people, let's live our lives, let's DO things. 

For you, TWR, we light birthday candles and celebrate. To honor you, we walk forward in love, moving away from hate.

boy meets girl, charles meets leslie, the rest is history

Boy meets girl, and the rest is history! 

I've thought Charles Simmons was a total keeper since I met him. I got to know him through my brothers gentry & George. (I'll always claim George Doubleday as a blood relative though technically we are not.) 

The night I met Charles, we rode home from the Houston rodeo in Gentry's truck, and Charles was grilling me ab my boyfriend, Drew, who was unable to join us because he was coaching a lacrosse game. I barely knew Charles. He said "Gentry do you know this guy she's dating?!? Do you APPROVE? Is he worthy of this girl?!?" Instantly charming, that Charles Simmons. And as I got to know him better, I knew he couldn't date just anyone. 

Flash forward six months later. Sitting around with Amy and Gentry, at my great-grandparents house, it dawned on me - Leslie Carrigan!!! I married into the Carrigan family (by way of my bro) and think the world of each & every one of them. And Leslie, what a CATCH. 

I texted Leslie, and was nervous if she'd agree to meet Charles. I had a great feeling about this, and I really wanted it to work!!!

I texted Charles. "I want you to meet Amy's sister. She's beautiful, loves kids like you, used to work at Yellowstone Academy, she's really athletic..." 

He texted back, sure why not... Later that Friday night, I sent a picture. It didn't take long for my phone to ring. It was past midnight and my mom and I were asleep in a guest bedroom. 

The next morning, Mom remembered my phone ringing and asked who it was- Charles, I explained.  After seeing Leslie's picture he wanted her number IMMEDIATELY to call and ask her out. 

The very next week, Charles took Leslie to dinner. The rest, as they say, is history. They both texted me after their second date, running at Memorial Park. 

Charles "She is beautiful. I was so proud to be seen running next to her. One of my friends who saw us emailed me already to see who she was and couldn't believe I was with HER. I paid people to pass by us and say hi to me so I seemed cool." 

Leslie "He is really fun! And when we ran at Memorial Park last night, he seemed to know EVERYONE!" 

And then, my work was done! Less than a year later they were engaged. This weekend, they become Mr. & Mrs. 

Leslie & Charles are one of those movie couples. They are so happy they make you happy to be around them. Their smiles are contagious. They seem too good to be true...but they are the real deal.

Oh, what fun! Can't wait for them to get hitched this weekend and feeling so lucky to get to be there! 

Cheers to the bride & groom!! 

prayer, day one (are my eyebrows too dark? and other worldly concerns)

I'm in a bit of a funk. A juxtaposition, I guess... I still remember learning the word juxtaposition in English class. It's when two things are placed together that are different - well, that's what I thought. But according to the dictionary it's just when two things are placed side by side. 

So on one side, there is my brain (and my heart, too) that is so sure of God's grace and mercy. This one side relies on it daily, just to get through the day, because there is not one day that I do not long for my Dad, not a day that my heart ceases to ache for myself, my brother, my mom, his friends, their friends, and there is nothing but the peace of Christ that soothes that ache. There is this side that can't get through life without things such as: holy music, like "10,000 reasons for my heart to find" or anything of David Crowder, uplifting verses, thoughtful words from loved ones, etc. 

And there is one side that is tired, selfish, weak, and weary. This one side lately that lets the pain numb me, blind me, and just ...coast. This one side has almost forgotten how to pray. Literally, I was with a few girls last week, and one insisted we "popcorn" pray and everyone participate, and I fumbled for my words. I realized how little I have been praying lately. And how different that is from me a year ago - when we went to Zambia, we prayed big and bold prayers all the time, internal, outloud, you name it - we talked to God. But lately, there's a side of me that keeps God at distance, my arm stretched out, holding him there - within reach if I need him, but out of the way when I feel like I don't. 

So here we are, these two sides of my brain, my heart, pressed up against each other. Drew & I just completed a year long bible study through our church with the most wonderful small group. And there was an end of year meeting/celebration last night for all the small groups at our church, and we went. And on the way there, I caught myself doing this: wondering if my eyebrows were too dark for my face and if I should do something about it. Seriously. I looked at pictures of myself on my phone at a red light and was legitimately concerned. Then I spent an hour at church, with genuine people and genuine faith (and the imperfections and struggles that accompany that) and I could have cared less about my eyebrows. I was focused on how I was loving people, what ministries Drew & I should pour our time into, wondering why I wasn't praying more, why I'm not reading scripture more excitedly. 

So here we are. For the next seven days, I plan to make time to do nothing but pray for five minutes. Sounds easy. Sounds daunting. Another juxtaposition! 

Last night, a church staffer read Romans 12. I'm soaking it in today. (The first part of the chapter is below.) 

Oh Lord, let me draw near to you. Fill my heart with the need to lean on you. Thank you for all the people you've put in my life that point me to you. I rejoice, God, that you promise to never leave or forsake me. Help me bring that comfort to others. 

A Living Sacrifice

1 I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. 2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Gifts of Grace

3 For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned. 4 For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, 5 so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. 6 Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; 7 if service, in our serving; the one who teaches, in his teaching; 8 the one who exhorts, in his exhortation; the one who contributes, in generosity; the one who leads, with zeal; the one who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness.