let hope float up

old habits. selfish desires. friends. childhood. dreams. we're never really ready to let them go. change is hard, especially the finality of death.

we're never really ready to let go.

she was on this earth for ninety-five and one half years - that's 34,800 days. but, she's been gone two months and i still don't want to let her go. my family clings to bits of my great-grandmother, and the legacy she left behind, just as we hope our spouses, our children, our grandchildren, our great-grandchildren will do for us. i know, in the back of my mind, that i cannot bring her back, but we carry her memory forward, looking at her smile in old photos. Her bright orange comb that she used to fluff her gray hair is in my top bathroom drawer now, a few of her old dresses hang in my closet, her voice lingers in our ears. i have known for years that one day the breath would leave her body, but that does not mean we were ready to let her go.

that's where hope comes in. hope for the everlasting.

i think of the old hymn(press play at the bottom of link)

it's recently been redone by the indellible grace project (check em out) called give me christ, or else i die.

change. death. heartache. we hate them, run about in fear of facing them. those of us left behind are robbed of what -or who- once brought us joy.

mary ella, my greatgrandmother. wesley, our cousin and grandson. jaybird, our friend and dad and husband. even sam, the beloved golden retriever. i'm sure you, dear reader, have your own list of loved ones you miss so much you feel the heartache from head to toe.

but they're gone for a reason, a reason we cannot understand nor are we designed to. we trust that we are provided the strength, grace, courage, love to go on. move forward. keep breathing.

it's the same with unhealthy habits, selfish desires, negative attitudes, ungrateful hardened hearts. it's hard to let them go, easier to cling to the familiar, out of fear or even simply habit.

but that everlasting hope is bigger than our wealth, honor, earthly comfort, vain ambition (all mentioned in the hymn). i take comfort in the fact that others have taken comfort in Christ for thousands of years before me. this hymn was written in the mid 18-th century, and i love to stand on tiptoe and sing it loudly here in the 21st.

my great-grandmother's death has recently demanded i look closer at my years - i most likely will not be granted the gift of 95. what am i doing? how is my time being spent? does my life reflect the lyrics of this hymn?

"Lord deny me what thou wilt...In Thy Grace alone I trust...Give me Christ or else I die"

"May God, the source of all hope, fill you with all joy and peace by means of your faith in Him."
Romans 15:13

love, crob