where we are now

Where we are right now…

It’s starting to feel real. I think of funny things to text my dad, but I can’t. I have a quick question and want to call him, but I can’t. I miss my dad with every fiber of my being. People ask “how are you?” and I want to shake them by the shoulders and yell “HOW DO YOU THINK I AM!?” 

And yet, I’m beyond grateful for all of the people who have written cards, who have known exactly what to say, who haven’t known what at all to say but have shown up, who’ve brought food or toilet paper or plants or flowers or made donations in my dad’s memory.  I’m thankful for all the people who have checked on us, who have told stories, who have shared our dad’s life with us. I’m thankful for all the people, through the love of God, who have reminded us to keep living, keep breathing.

 My family, the three of us plus our new two, (Mom, Gentch, Amy, Drew) are beyond blessed. We have been SO prayed over. I have never felt more at peace. Yet, this week has been painful. My entire body hurts. My mind is scattered. It is a rollercoaster to be sure, and though doubt has not crept in about the power or love of Christ, the missing and grieving my dad’s amazing presence in my life has started.

The more I continue to fall deeper in love with Drew Prochaska, and prepare to become his wife, the more I realize what my mom has lost.

I am thankful for what we all had with my dad – the blessing of an active, involved, funny father, and a loving, devoted, passionate, quirky, hilarious, loyal husband. I wonder, how many people are not even given that gift?  I groan or feel sorry for myself, for my family, that we’ve lost him so young, so early – but at least we had him at all. Many people have absent or abusive fathers, or loveless marriages, or flames that have gone out – not us. My parents marriage was alive and well (though full of feistiness) and my dad was about as great as they come on this planet. Neither their marriage nor his parenting was flawless- but he was so real. He was so alive.

I am so thankful and find myself rejoicing that we have something to miss.

It’s getting painful over here, this breathing in and out every day. But it’s also so amazing to see the legacy my dad left, the impact he had, and the work God has been doing in all of us since Dad’s death.

I’ll close these ramblings with a final thought:  anyone who finds the concept of the “trinity” or “holy spirit” weird or full of hocus pocus is really missing something. I have never felt “the Spirit” more alive and well as the days since my dad’s plane crashed. I feel uplifted through prayer, I sense the power of God through others’ words, I feel myself and my family beginning to heal. The healing is excruciating, but it is real. I know I was able to speak at my dad’s service only through the grace of God and the power of His spirit – and though that may sound crazy, I know it to be truth.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your prayers, kind words, support, love, and friendship. I pray you’ll continue to ask how we’re doing, to check on my mom, to love on my brother. We are strong because of the Lord’s provision and the outpouring of friends.

Romans 8:26

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.