thanksgiving

Though I have never felt a greater sense of loss at Thanksgiving time, I have never felt more reasons to be completely flowing over with gratitude.

The first Thanksgiving after Jay Chen passed away was pretty rotten. We stood around the tailgate spot, forcing smiles, forcing jokes, enjoying a funny memory or two, and it was evident things were not the same. I wondered, how are we going to do this? How are his boys going to do this, year after year, things they once did with their dad and now can’t? How is Mary going to ever find the same joy without such a loving, devoted, hilarious husband by her side? My parents were so sad and trying so hard not to be; Jay’s brothers were the same.  I can remember, four years ago, walking around that parking lot by myself for a moment, a literal ache in my stomach, hurting for our friends and my family.

The Chenoweth’s have taught me many things, and I’ve learned that it is almost as painful to watch grief as it is to live it. So, friends, thank you. A hundred thank yous. We have been so blessed with people reminding us they’re praying for us, or telling us exactly how my dad and/or his memorial service impacted them. We have had so many ears to listen to us, share our joys and our sorrows, our moments of confusion and of clarity, of anger and of peace. I have never, ever felt alone, and I’m not sure Gentry or my mom has either. Thank you.

I get a daily bible verse emailed to me, I signed up for it while I was teaching with TFA – even if the verse wasn’t relevant to that specific day, it gave me 60 seconds to pause and think about our creator.  (You can sign up for the one I get at heartlight.org)

The verse recently was this: "Lord," Martha said to Jesus, "if you had been here, my brother would not have died." (John 11:21)

In the commentary, they ask “Have you ever been at the grave side of a loved one and wondered where Jesus was?” Jesus is with us in our moments of loss and grief. The Church is Jesus' Body and every act of kindness, support, comfort, and help is Jesus working to alleviate our grief.”

As I thought about those words, I thought, Jesus has been so good to me. I would never, ever have been able to fathom the number of notes, and acts, and prayers that we’ve received. Jesus has showered us with support & comfort. A few times I have wondered, what do the people who are not blessed with the friends and community we have do in times of great loss? I feel almost greedy allowing all of these people to love on us so well. Thank you for acting as Christ in our family’s lives.

It seems impossible to express my gratitude for Drew Prochaska. God’s timing, on so many fronts, seems perfect. Wait, isn’t that what the bible says? It has crossed my mind a few times how hard it would have been to meet someone after my dad’s death – I can be quite good at keeping people at an arm’s length, and I feel certain I would have lived with my mom until I was forty. But he was already here, already signed, sealed, delivered, and he’s not going anywhere. Thank you. A thousand thank yous.

As time has passed from that horrible night hearing the news that my dad was never coming back to us on Earth, I have found the magnitude of this loss weighing on relationships, decisions, small moments. It has been harder to simply celebrate his life, which is what we did in the beginning. It has become more real that my dad is gone  from our world – no more phone calls, no more advice, no more adventures together, no more laughing until your face hurts at something he said or did. That was it, and we must make the best of it.

But we have so many pictures, and memories, and funny stories, and practical wisdom ringing in our ears. “If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right.” “You have nothing to lose by just asking.”

My dad lived large, and he made more than enough time for his wife, his kids, his family, and his friends. He took on us amazing trips and showed us the world. Even if he was just jumping off an old railroad bridge in the hill country, he showed us what it meant to live. Dad made it abundantly clear how much he loved all of us.

There’s a note on my dad’s nightstand that he wrote my mom in his choppy handwriting, while they were in New York City together for a New York Life trip a few years back.

“I love coming to this city,” he wrote, “but only when you’re with me… I am thankful God put me with you.”

Many people wonder in this world, if their husband truly loves them. They wonder if their marriage is still worth it. Many children wonder if their dad is proud of them, or wants the best for them, or even enjoys being around them. We do not doubt any of those things. We do not doubt. For that, I am immensely thankful.

 ^“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Romans 8:37-39