going numb

It's been a while since I've posted anything. Life has been a wonderful whirlwind in the past few weeks. Though I wouldn't trade any of the trips or experiences for anything, and I'm extremely grateful to have such a full calendar, I am glad for the slow down. Without realizing it, I think I went on autopilot a bit, trying to make it through it all with a smile, because that's what my dad would want for all of us: happiness.  

I wrote this about a week ago and finally edited my thoughts to make them more coherent. 

I owe my Dad an apology. 

For the last few weeks, I'm not sure when it started, I've tried to avoid him in many ways. 

The missing him just became too much. Dealing with the everyday reality of my mom without her other half was just too painful. Seeing Gentry take over the office my dad should run, and take on all his stress and long hours and trials, it was too much. I clicked the "ignore" button and kept right on going. 

I have become what I think God almost never wants us to be - numb. 

Have you ever felt in that limbo, where you're not hurting but you're missing joy, too? Like a shell of who you should be. But, at the same time, you're not as fragile. So it feels okay and it gets addicting and it builds. And then you're just...numb. The dictionary calls it "deprived of the power of sensation." Deprived. Without power. In short, not good. 

Sometimes I feel the same way when I've skipped a few work outs. You know, you're not sore and there's less pain, but you don't feel very good about yourself, either. I think my dad would like this comparison, as he loved working out and pushing himself; he enjoyed complaining about being sore, from a run or a softball game or a weight session with the dudes. 

Who do you admire more, the girl with it all together who is always fine and dandy, or the girl that's so real she pulls you in to her mess and gets to really know you, too? If me being "wrecked" brings God glory, I'm finally realizing, that's what I truly want. If me being messy lights up the world for God, than I can be okay being messy. 

I've been so tired of tearing up about my dad or breaking down in sobs missing him that I ruin dinner with Drew or being mopey with friends. I've been so fed up with not even knowing how to articulate why I'm sad or what I'm feeling. I, I, I...it's not all about me, but grief can make you feel so selfish. I want to ignore the grief. 

There are so many people out there with their own trial, their own grief. It's not just me. Maybe we can all work on being the opposite of numb with each other. So many of my friends are great at sharing how they're really doing. But I think we could all do better. I, for one, know I need to stop stuffing the sad down. If it's how I feel, I need to work through it. Maybe there's a purpose behind it. Maybe the tears streaming down my face at church give someone else permission to be real, to let go, to be hurting. 

I love dictionaries. And I discovered today that an antonym for numb is "sensible." What does sensible mean, you ask? Showing good sense or judgment. Designed to be useful. 

Let's be the opposite of numb. Let's be sensible.