wisdom - notes on marriage

Recently, I shared that Drew and I have met with Rev. RPC (Richard Colquitt) and his wife Susan for some marriage "tune-ups." (see previous post.) It sounds weird to call it marriage counseling, but...basically they're counseling us about our marriage. So, yea, we can call it that. 

You might be able to relate to what Drew and I have been struggling with - in a way, just growing pains of being married a few years (three years this coming New Years Eve), adding a new baby and midnight feedings to the mix, and we needed some fresh air breathed in. 

Enter Susan and Richard.

Richard married us and is a certified Rev. His wife, Susan, might as well be too - she is so patient, and kind, and just speaking with her for a few minutes you know she's an amazing woman and wife. We'll just call her legit, if you don't know her, and go from there. 

Anyways, we met with Susan and Richard this summer because Drew and I struggle with figuring out the holidays with both of our families. We've been trying to balance it as fairly as possible the last few years, and Christmas is still pretty stressful. We don't want to lose the meaning of the season in all the hustle and bustle of "Okay, three hours at my mom's house, then three hours at your grandmother's house, then 6 am at your mom's house, then 11 am at my mom's house..."

And quite honestly, we've realized that it's complicated for both of us because we long to be with "our" families because neither of our dads are in our lives, and that just...throws off the family "dynamic" a bit and I think you cling a bit tighter to who is left. But don't get me started down that road. Just remind me that God is good, and some people deserve a swift hard kick to the shins, and plane engines suck. 

Oops, I'm rambling. Back to Richard and Susan's wisdom. Here's the gist: 

Richard didn't give us any concrete answers. He said, I could tell you how to solve this specific issue. I could give you my opinion and an "answer." But I'm not going to do that. (Of course not, Richard. You're too wise for the easy road.) 

So Richard gave us a few passages. He read to us in his living room from Proverbs 2, and James chapters 1 and 3. and he said a few things of personal advice, and then he said "Now if Su were here, she'd say, you sure talk a big game, Richard." (For this meeting Susan was out of town with grandchildren.) 

Man, do I have some learning and growing up to do. It's funny to me actually, that before meeting with Richard, I would have told you yes, I've read James several times all the way through and bits here and there over and over, back to high school with our Young Life leader Denise, but reading it with this specific tough situation in mind, was so eye opening.

I've been asking, how do we get through this? How do we figure out how to not hurt feelings but find a compromise that doesn't make us snap at each other or resentful or whatever yucky feeling, and here was a direct answer: Be impartial. Be submissive. Be quiet. (I ramble, can you imagine?) 

Don't get me wrong: I went home and read these passages Richard gave us and I told my mom: Richard is so smart and I love the things he told us about decision making and I know these scripture sections are good, but...I still don't know the answer. And Richard said read these passages for a week before you talk again as a couple. So Drew and I did that, and I looked up the definition to a lot of words, and I have to tell you - it was really, really helpful. 

So again, he said focus on: Proverbs 2, James 1, and James 3. Pray, read, and reread. And before I ramble anymore, I want to tell you, these passages are not just great for the young married couples out there trying to figure out Christmas holidays with two families. These really keeps you focused on God's wisdom for relationships with friends, family members - there are so many areas of my life that studying these verses has 

brought to light that I need more God and less me. More God, less me. 

James 3:13-18

13 Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. 14 But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. 15 Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. 16 For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.

17 But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18 Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.

I sat in our living room with my bible a few days later, and I wrapped my mind around those words: peace-loving, considerate, submissive, impartial, full of mercy. Peacemaker! Shoot, He caught me. Am I aiming to be a peacemaker for my family? I felt like someone was asking me a question and I looked around, over my shoulder, to see if they were talking to someone else. Wait, WHAT? You're talking to me!?  

Peace - freedom from disturbance; quiet and tranquility

Considerate- careful not to cause inconvenience or hurt to others. Syn. - thoughtful, attentive

Submissive - ready to conform to the authority or will of others. Syn. - yielding. 

Impartial- treating all people and groups equally : not partial or biased Syn. fair, just. 

Mercy - compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm. Syn. - grace. 

To wrap up, Drew and I met about 2 weeks after our second meeting with Richard. Our conversation wasn't perfect, there were still tears and tense words, but it was good. We grew closer and the tears were productive. we kept things focused on what God says relationships should be. Not even just marriage, but relationships. We think we've figured out what's healthy for us for holidays for the next two years. That's what Richard advised, too - don't try to plan this out for the next 10 years, just figure out the next two, and go from there.

What is healthy for us, for the three of us - Drew, Courtney, Thomas. Not what do we think our families would want us to do, what would make others happy, but what is healthy (and holy) for the three of us.

Richard assured us we would have more decisions like this in the future. He said, you're even going to be deciding, okay, what do we do this weekend? Do we stay home? Do we go out of town with friends? Do we do this, that, etc... And you can use these passages and this as a tool to help make those decisions down the line.

I very much feel like we asked Richard to give us a fish because we wanted to eat for a day. Instead, wise Rev. RPC taught us how to fish, and we'll be able to eat for a lifetime. Goodness, how thankful for Richard and sweet Su and their willingness to pour their wisdom and love into our lives.