To the sweet manager at Discount Tire, I am sorry that you had to deal with me when I could not stop crying today. I'm sure that was awkward, and I'm sorry about that - but I am not sorry for why I was crying. I will never apologize for missing my dad so much.
I had a flat tire this morning. I noticed it just as I pulling out for an already jam-packed day of work. I was pulling Thomas' red tricycle out of the way on the drive when I saw the back tire was almost too low to drive it. I do not have time for this, I thought. I quickly filled it up with air at the nearest gas station, and then hurried to the nearest Discount Tire. When I got there, they had to look up my account, which is under my dad's name, and then they wanted to update all the contact information.
The discount tire man (Joey) turned the computer screen towards me so I could see all of the account data. I don't know exactly why this was so painful, there is nothing sentimental about Discount Tire. But it was.
They deleted his email, and added mine. They deleted his cell and put mine. They deleted his address and put mine. Gone, gone, gone. Your dad is gone. I couldn't stop the tears. I'm usually able to fight them off when something causes my eyes to well up and my throat to tighten. I push them back and keep on truckin, to save the poor soul who has no idea why I'm crying. But not today. Joey at Discount Tire was trying not to look as I turned away to pull myself together. He had to wait patiently, staring at the screen as I took a few deep breaths before i could talk. What's the email address you'd like me to add? he asked me quietly.
Silence. More tears from me. I smiled at him and whispered: "I'm sorry." The tears kept coming. Poor Joey.
Discount Tire man has likely known great loss. Maybe not, but probably. He's buried a loved one, someone close. But I doubt he had a dad like mine. i hope he did, for his sake, but I don't know.
I've always sort of hated the phrase and lost than not at all... but its true. I would so much rather have had my dad in my life and have the terrible pain of him leaving the earth too soon, than to not have had him. Some dads out there are total crap. (I'm not talking about the ones who make an effort.) Not all dads strive to be the kind of dads that mine and that Jay Chenoweth set out to be - caring. devoted. funny. generous. selfless. Why do we have to lose the good ones? My friends from college, Paige and Taylor, both have lost their moms too young, too. I think of them often. From what I've heard, their moms were incredible. Why are these the ones to go?
This man at the discount tire counter, I don't know anything about his dad. And i'm sorry for having tears dripping off my chin and trying to nonchalantly wipe them away but... there is nothing nonchalant about grief.
part of me feels silly for missing him this much five years down the line. he's been gone for almost FIVE years. and yet, erasing his email address from our discount tire account brought me to real tears. but that's okay. it's not really silly. i'm nearly 31 (who's counting) and i expected my dad to still be here. i miss him. i wish he was here for me to call and brag about how i put air in my tire all by myself at the gas station and how i had 6 quarters in my purse so that I didn't need change. i miss him. i miss his laugh, his advice, his sick sense of humor. some children are not given parents to miss the way we miss dad. one of my students when i was a teacher lost her dad to violent gang shooting before she was in kindergarten. her dad was troubled. my dad was not. she will never find herself as a thirty year old mom of two who is not sleeping through the night weeping at a discount tire register. and you know what - that stinks for her. because she'll never really know her dad.
i am thankful i was given a dad worth missing. i am thankful for all that he taught us and the way he loved us and made us laugh. we live in a world where we are guaranteed nothing yet our culture makes us feel entitled to so much.
I realized today, I have nothing to complain about. Getting a flat tire and being an hour later to work than I planned - that's not a big problem. For starters, I was born in a country that values women (I don't know your political views, dear reader, but it's a fact (not the alternative kind) that on a global scale women in America are valued and given SO MUCH.) I'm given the right to drive and wear whatever I want and marry whom every I choose... My car is paid for and I have the means to buy a new tire - or four. I'm not wondering if i should choose between diapers and food for my family - as so many people do. Yes, it's annoying to have a flat, but really, I have nothing to complain about. I live a charmed life. i have a sweet husband (who is also totally smokin hot, amiright) and two healthy babies and yes, I miss my dad every single day. But alas....I live a charmed life.
I am so blessed. If you catch me complaining about ANYTHING anytime soon, you have my permission to smack me. (unless your name is Gentry, in which case you most definitely do not and never will have permission to smack me.) I have zilch to complain about. Nada.
My cup runneth over ... and spills over right onto my four new tires and my charmed life.
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