There are days that I am doing simple things with Thomas and I am just overcome with joy, so much so that I think my heart may burst from my chest. He is a bundle of smiles and I sometimes cannot believe that he is really ours, for always! he's here and he's ours!
My goodness, it feels as though I've waited to be a mom, his mom, for so long. But in reality, Drew and I prayed about when we should start a family, said to each other, ok, now seems like the right time, and then - Wait! Um, that was quick! I don't know if we're really ready for this!
We're both very aware it doesn't work that way for everyone. I cannot fathom the heart ache women - and men - may feel as they wait for months and years for that test to be positive, for that baby to be being formed in the womb and on its way to their waiting arms.
I cannot fathom what it's like to see baby commercials every five minutes and see children running around your neighborhood and preggos at the grocery store and high schoolers getting pregnant without even blinking... If it were me, I think I might have a melt down around all the moms shopping with their children at HEB, and yell loudly, WHY NOT ME!!!!! I cannot imagine going to a baby shower and seeing all the baby clothes and books and alllllll the baby stuff and not being bitter. I tip my hat to those women, big time! I wonder if maybe we need to say "I see you" to those women more, acknowledge their waiting that seems unfair.
I remember being in the hospital the second morning after Thomas had been born. I was exhausted, my body hurt like ooooh-weeeee-somethin, and I wasn't sure I was doing anything right. Thomas was jaundiced so we were staying extra, and they kept running all these routine tests on him or me every 2 hours, and it was stressful.
Drew was trying to sleep and Thomas was too, it was wee hours as I splashed water on my blotchy face. As I leaned over the sink in the hospital room, and was less than thrilled with my reflection in the mirror, I gripped the sink for strength because standing up by myself really, really hurt. I thought: anyone who wants to do this, anyone willing to go through this, should absolutely get the chance.
God is wiser than us on so many levels and so many topics. But one I just don't understand is fertility struggles. You have a husband and a wife who want to have a baby and love that baby well, and bring them up to love the lord, and yet...struggle. pain. Prayers that seem to go unanswered.
We're studying Exodus now through our church bible study, and I see clearly that God has, for thousands of years, worked in ways that seem weird to us, ways that actually seem pretty miserable sometimes, and He is glorified and loving, through His plan and His way.(I mean locusts everywhere? Frogs? Rivers of blood? Yuck, ew, no thank you, this is for your GLORY?!)
Sometimes His way has pain, and the path is filled with questions, but still - over and over He proves that His path is far better than the other paths. His protection and His grace is still good.
I hesitate to say this out loud, for fear of sounding insensitive, but through becoming a mom to Thomas, I have this new found respect and empathy for the men and women out there who desperately want to be pregnant. But it's true.
And I know, too, that Thomas seems even more cherished and a source of joy since my dad is not here to be with us. It may sound dramatic, but when someone so close to you is ripped away, everyone else close seems that much more dear. My dad's death makes me very aware of all the blessings in my life, too many names to list here. And when you wake up on a Saturday morning, texting with your dad about college football and the lake, and by nightfall, he is gone from the Earth, you become so thankful for life, and the everyday.
For those wanting to be parents, my heart goes out to you. I pray that God comforts you and hears your prayers. And I pray that every day with my family is a day of joy - not perfection, because that is so unrealistic, and not void of feeling tired or frustrated, but - of abundant joy. I should be far less grumpy and far more grateful with a precious baby as this one in my arms.
I don't have answers for why we suffer. I do know that God is a healer and comforter and when seemingly silent or absent, He is not. I have learned this the hard way. And I have learned that in suffering, God sends us each other. Bob Goff (one of my favorite authors/people, go read Love Does if you don't know him) says "God doesn't pass us notes, he passes us each other." When we're in pain, many of us are inclined to hunker down and suck it up or wallow in it alone. But we are strengthened when people share their suffering.
I found the prayer below while I was trying to find an appropriate scripture passage to go with these ramblings. Though nothing ever replaces scripture, I think this prayer is beautiful, so I leave you here. Thank you, as always, for reading.
Teach me to listen, O God, to those nearest me, my family, my friends, my co-workers.
Help me to be aware that no matter what words I hear, the message is, “Accept the person I am. Listen to me.”
Teach me to listen, my caring God, to those far from me– the whisper of the hopeless, the plea of the forgotten, the cry of the anguished...
Teach me to listen, Holy Spirit, for your voice — in busyness and in boredom, in certainty and doubt, in noise and in silence.
Teach me, Lord, to listen. Amen.
I love your heart, sweet friend.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely agree that death makes us treasure those around us so much more. I felt so humbled and grateful to get to hold Lilleigh in my arms less than a year after Austen died. God didn't have to do that. He still would have been good. But He did do that, and His mercy isn't lost on me.
After our last miscarriage, I did a bible study with other women who have miscarried and or are facing infertility. At first I think it ruffled some feathers that some of us had kids already yet were in the study. By the end though, I think we all had a newfound understanding for each other. It's all so hard! Not having your body work "right" has been one of the hardest things I've gone through, but God is good and so faithful. I wish I could snap my fingers and be out of this phase, but as I get tests run (to see why my hormones are wonky), He reminds me that He hasn't left me. Thanks for sharing! Love your heart!