Grief at Christmas: Is It Okay to Be Sad?

Dad. You're on my mind so much. My heart has been heavy, missing you. I do not miss you any less than I did four years ago... I guess Christmas is always going to be hard. I'm not sure why I'm surprised when I suddenly cannot stop the tears. It's not as though missing you ever goes away. It's just ... less raw. 

I wish you were here more than I could ever express. And it's very hard, being thirty years old, with children of my own... part of me feels silly for feeling this way. Like I shouldn't really "need" you anymore. Certainly others get along just fine without their parents. My husband, for one- he is mature and an excellent father without "needing" his dad. And I think of the Smith's often, how much more painful it must be to lose a child then a parent, how unnatural, how out of order. I shouldn't complain... but there's a difference between complaining and grieving, I think. Just because Drew gets along just fine without his dad does not mean I should feel silly for crying and missing my dad. Just because others know tragic loss that is inexplicable doesn't mean I shouldn't miss you. 

And I do, I find myself "needing" my dad. I sure wish you were here, to brighten the room, to make us laugh, to hold us together, to carry my skis, to meet us for a bike ride, to give us advice, to play with Thomas and Clare. 

I'm thankful for an advent devotional I found online this year. The author works for Upper Room ministries, the devotional that's always at the front at Chapelwood and other Methodist churches. She talks of hope and peace that comes from Christ - reassuring me that my hope does not come from anything earthly. Reassuring me that we're going to be just fine, because our hope is not in you - you sure made our lives wonderful, but you were not life. 

I've learned, through words of you friends like Luke Allen and Nancy Simpson and Richard and Josef, that I have to just accept what I'm feeling and deal with it best I can. I'll always remember Luke telling me he thought I was in shock and that it was okay to get upset. It was the night of your accident, and he had concern in his eyes that I didn't really understand at the time. And now I do: if I am really missing you at Christmas time, that's okay. That's part of grief. That doesn't mean I get to snap at Drew or stay in my jammies all day, but it does mean I can cry a few tears, I can look at old pictures, I can imagine what energetic crazy thing you'd be doing today, and I can miss my most amazing Dad. I can also stop to be thankful for you- what grace abounds in my life, evident through you and mom! I've met many people and taught a number of students who didn't have the parents I did - and I did zilch to deserve you. Grace. 

So as my tears point me to gratitude, I know it's okay to miss you, during Advent or any other time of year. And I hope others who are hurting know the same. 

Missing you always, and also making sure to live life abundantly, just as you'd want for us.  

Love, Lolly