beginning to process its the end

It is Wednesday. I finished teaching on Friday at 3:45 p.m. (It still does not feel over, even typing that.) I packed my classroom and said goodbyes until around 6 pm, then feeling like a sweaty, spent mess, continued to let the tears fall, took a deep breath, and turned my old Volvo out of the school parking lot. I realized that any time I return over the next year will be as a “mentor”, or “volunteer”, not a teacher. Strange. Sad. Exhilarating.

Alas, here I am, Wednesday, and it feels like I’m coming up for air. It has begun to sink in that I have no obligations. No lease, though I really really wished for that house with the black and white tile and the amazing back deck with Stephie. No job, though I applied and interviewed for two. No plans, other than a week backpacking with YoungLife girls, a trip to Utah to see Dr. Katherine, and a visitor from Oklahoma for my birthday. I’m revisiting the idea of going to Santa Fe or Denver for a few weeks in August. The freedom of moving home has opened a lot of windows, even if it felt like being kicked in the shins as our lease applications fell through on two awesome houses.

Alas, here I am, Wednesday, and after several powernaps, an hour or two of yoga, my toes in the lake, and breathing deep, I think I can let it sink in. I am finished with Teach for America.

*from previous writings in late april
It is difficult for me to explain why I’m leaving the classroom. Primarily, I am permanently exhausted. I have a never finished to-do list, both professionally and personally. I raise my voice daily because classroom management continues to be a struggle for me, and I am not an excellent teacher. Though my TAKS scores were surprisingly awesome to me, the original KIPP elementary school, a model for all others, does not deserve mediocre teachers. I selfishly feel that I am 25 and single for a reason, and I desire more freedom than what I can fit between the hours of 6 and 10 pm. I want a job that is rewarding, and brings me joy. This has sure fit the bill in the rewarding department, but many days, I am spend time digging around for joy, and I think the bulk of my issues would be solved if it were not for the extended school day. I have a deep, heartfelt admiration for those who have come before me and those who are staying longer at KIPP.

I agree with the critics of TFA, that it can be a two years “in and out” – but I also know that most of those critics have never taught for 10 hours each day, with a whatever it takes attitude that is necessary to survive at KIPP. I am doubtful that the critics of TFA have ever poured all of their blood, sweat, and tears into children and their communities for two years, sacrificing sleep and a social life and time to work out and other freedoms that were eaten in the commitment to our schools. I greatly admire anyone, TFA or not, who continues to maintain the hours necessary to be successful at a KIPP school. Hats off to you, Jenkins & Rheem & Marnita & a whole bunch of others.

There is a lot I have loved about Teach for America, and numerous things for which I’ll be eternally grateful. At Institute – TFA boot camp – the organizers have you write on one word that brought you here. And then you flip it over and write one word that you think will get you through the really, impossibly hard moments. There’s a lot of words people choose. Determination, equality, justice. Both of my words? Love. It is love that brought me here and love that will get me through. I wrote this down and it has been my mantra the past two years. Love has brought me here and love will get me through.
I love my children, each and every one. I love the families I’ve grown close to, I appreciate the parents who have challenged me immensely, and even the two or three I’d really like to shake by the shoulders, look into their eyes and say “Get. It. Together!!”

I think it takes a strong, stable person to decide they would be grumpy or burnt out in the classroom for another year, to make the decision to step back. I tried it with everything I’ve got, and I need a time to breathe fresh air, time to figure out if I belong in the classroom.
Wendy Kopp had a vision that a handful of young Ivy graduates should help the education crisis instead of running off to Wall Street firms after graduation. And now, her organization has 40,000+ applicants each year and has created quite possibly the most “prestigious” thing I’ll ever do.

We’ve made a lap around the sun twice since I began this endeavor, and though I don’t want to sound dramatic, my life is drastically different. It’s finished, I can hardly believe it. I can hardly believe I’m in one piece. They say you’ll never be the same after something like this, and I’m just beginning to process that. I think about things differently, hear headlines on the news differently, and overall am just taking a lot of deep breaths over here. It’s been seven days since I finished Teach for America, and it has just begun to sink in.

Thanks a million for supporting me! Tune in later for funny stories and additional reflections, if you dare.