a heart of thanks

Oh Lord, my heart overflows with gratitude today. You are good. You have been so good to us.

You quieted my heart today, Lord, and you reminded me you are wise. You are good. You are love. No, you are not only loving, but you are actually love. We love because you first loved us. (1 John 4)

My mom & I (and sweet patient Drew, for whom my heart is always grateful) watched an episode of a TV show called Parenthood today. A man who claims to be an atheist asked his son to help him pray. He bent his knees, talked to God, and took a leap of faith.

I am immensely thankful for the light of the Lord today. I am thankful for the Holy Spirit, moving in us, literally whispering in my heart the truths of God.

I do not deserve the faith I have. I do not deserve the comfort Christ and his sacrifice and his word bring. But through God’s grace, I am filled with this faith in God. Sure, it has felt stretched at time in the last six weeks. My dad’s sudden, unexpected death has brought anger, questions, and overwhelming sadness. The night my dad’s plane crashed, a few hours after receiving the news, I needed a paper bag to breathe into. I sat on the floor at the Carrigan’s house and could not catch my breath. My aunt, who had buried her son when he was just twenty-two months, talked me through the process of breathing when you do not want to breathe.

I still struggle to breathe sometimes. There have been days of late when I am alone, perhaps on the way to the office, and audible cries escape my lips. I am still so sad. I am still so sad for my mom, my brother, all those who loved my dad and needed him and brought him such joy. But through the process of trying to suck in some oxygen in those overwhelming moments, something tells me we’re alright. We are not alone. This life on Earth is temporary. This God we have that created our bodies and our cells and the stars, he loves us and nothing can separate us from that. (Romans 8:37-39)

I do not deserve the faith that I have. But I am so thankful, so grateful for it. I certainly did not put my faith in Christ just in case of bad times. God is not a bail bond, something you buy into when you need it. God is a foundation for the good times and the bad ones. But thank goodness I had my parents and YoungLife leaders and ministers and friends to push my faith over the decade.

I know some people out there struggling with faith. I know some people out there critical of Christ, of Christians, of believing in things unseen. Matthew 18:3 says we must have childlike faith. James 4:8 says draw near to God, and he’ll draw near to you. The more you pray or talk to God or worship in your car or sit and be quiet, the more God will draw near to you through all of those methods. Just try it. All God asks of us our faith – and everything that follows is a result of actively trusting Him.

When I sat in quiet today after a bike ride with Drew, alone for about 10 minutes, something jogged my memory about a trip with my parents in 2010. I remembered the day we hiked in Yellowstone National Park, just the two of us, while my mom waited for bears in a different part of the park. We saw buffalo, and beautiful views, and laughed as we always did when together on an adventure.

I realized today, echoing Jim Jackson’s words I posted earlier this week, that the time and adventures with my dad I was given was a HUGE gift. I’m undeserving- I know many wonderful people who never had that kind of friendship with their dad, or experienced the spontaneity and the love and the freedom that came from being around my dad. My heart, though sad, was filled with happy memories and rejoiced I was given such a chance.

I’ve tried in the last week or so to think what my dad would have done if he had lost his dad at my age. I know for certain he would have been devastated. I know how many times he called his dad for advice, to share a celebration or dilemma. And yet, I am confident, my dad would have continued living, likely with renewed fervor, and purpose, drive, and commitment to live fully. My dad would have packed in extra adventures knowing life is short. We must do the same.

While I can’t assure you we won’t continue to have our “let’s not get out of bed moments”, the Robinsons are trying their best to press on. We have two weddings coming up and tons of fun friends and family around us who will help us keep breathing and living and delighting in this life.

I am so proud of my dad, and so thankful for the chance to have called him dad. So thankful that I was one of the most important people on the planet to him. So thankful for God’s provision in this crazy time. So thankful for pictures and memories. And thankful for the legacy he’s left us all. Thankful for the love he had for my mom, always. Thankful for the example he was to my brother.

I cannot thank you enough for reading my words. The healing that has come from sharing our grief has been incredible already, though I’m sure the road ahead is long. Thank you, thank you.

My candle burns at both ends
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends -
It gives a lovely light.

Edna St. Vincent Millay (quoted in A River Runs Through It)