but i find myself unable to use words to express what is going on in my classroom. abuse. hurt. anger. poverty. disrespect. ignoring the value of a human life. purposefully hurting someone else.
i cry during silly or sad movies, i cry at weddings, i tear up when i laugh really hard. jude law described himself in the movie the holiday as "a weeper." (in a thick british accent, which makes the word "weeper" all the better.) this whole teaching three year olds, specifically some of the three year olds i teach, has made me a "weeper."
i try not to cry in front of my kids, but its happened three times since coming back for the 2010 semester. most of it has to do with one student, who has a terrible home situation, in which i am sure he is beaten often. when he slapped another student at our school on friday, so hard that it left a handprint on the other's student face, i cried while taking that student to time out. we had to send him home, he was very violent that day, but how do you tell a child who gets hit by his parents that he cannot hit others? saying that "our hands are for high-fives and hugs"sounds cheesy coming out of my mouth, because it is.
when he hits sometimes me, my stomach hurts. its not fun to have someone you care about so much hit you. and i'm the adult - how must he feel as a child being hit by parents?
i have another student who's behavior isn't quite as erratic who is also hit at home - i've seen it with my own eyes at school, actually. i have a student on the fast-track to special education testing. i have two other students whom i must document their behavior daily with notes for various reasons. in addition to that, i have thirty-two more students who need my love, attention, knowledge, support, dedication, energy, and more love.
i don't know how to do it. i don't know how i got here. i know my strength that brought me this far has been from a higher power, and i trust that God will carry my burdens, which are the burdens of others actually, and we can make it to May. but what after that? do i walk away from this? should someone else be responsible for teaching these kids?
most teach for america corps members have such a different experience than mine- they work their butts off on lesson plans, they deal with behavior challenges too, they have TAKS tests and all the pressure that comes from. i don't spend my weekends grading essays or researching the best ways to teach eighth grade science or anything like that, so in many ways i have it easier i guess.
but my body hurts at the end of most days from chasing my special friends, as i like to call them. my back is sore from holding a child against the wall as he screams, kicks, flails, says he wants to leave school and two seconds later says he doesn't want to go home. my arms hurt from trying to restrain him during moments of rage when he wants to throw chairs, jump off tables, hit others.
my knees pop from bending down so often to pat my miniature students on the back, or give them a high five, or hear what they have to say.
my heart hurts from processing what these kids are going through - and from trying to hold it together for my other students. my students that have a stable home life but their parents are just struggling to make ends meet, to get their kids a better education than the one they've had.
sometimes i think i should just let it all go and get through these days while not really thinking about the magnitute of what's going on here.
but i can not let go. i can not stop thinking about what my kids are doing at home when they're not at school. about all the things i'm doing wrong. about all the tactics i've tried and failed. i honestly can't stop asking why.
why me? the other two prek3 classrooms have it together. they don't have huge behavior issues like my class. (or they have one or two students in each class, not five. and not to the severity of each of my five.) those teachers don't call CPS on friday evenings.
i just...i wonder about romans 8 quite a bit lately. God works for good through all things, the bible says. But where is the good in this situation? I don't know what to do. I don't know that I'm helping this child enough. I don't know why I had great loving parents who gave me everything in the world, and these two kids get hit on the head at home and beat into submission- and they are not yet four years old.
I don't know where God is in this situation. I mean, I know he's still with me, and if I didn't feel his presence and strength most days, I would have stopped getting out of bed at this point. but still, I don't honestly know where God is in this situation.
I do know I sort of think the Teach for America website is a load of crap. All those pictures with hopeful statistics and smiling teachers? This experience, this hell I'm currently living, was NOT advertised on the website, in my interview process, or in the many articles I read.
I know I shouldn't complain. We sang a song at church tonight about being God's hands, feet, ears in the world. I should be- well, I am, thankful for the everyday chance to be a blessing to others. While I would much prefer sitting at a desk working a normal job or sitting in a graduate school classroom, I am at least thankful that everyday I know I am showing Christ to someone.
For now, I will press on. I know clarity comes when you can look at things in the rearview mirror. I will trust that there is more to this than I can see, and that God knows what he's doing.
As a sidenote, I have been so sustained by the support of friends, family, all sorts of people. Letters. Texts. Phone Calls. Funny Emails. Time volunteering in my classroom. Hugs. I literally could not have made it thus far without my parents, my roommates, my family, and friends who may think I'm crazy but remind me they are proud of me as we wade through this mess together.
Thank you for being there.
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